Congratulations, women – by Chad Robuckle

Well, you’ve done it again.

If there was one thing in this world that was impossible to screw up, you would think it would be “chicks getting naked”.

But you’d be wrong.

I am speaking, of course, of burlesque.

Burlesque, simply put, is what stripping would look like if it had been thought up by women. I think this is a fair definition that even the most fervent supporters of this terrible act would probably agree to.

The part we disagree about is whether or not this is even remotely entertaining or erotic in any way.

My answer? No. Not even close.

The problem is, broads have a different idea than we do of what is sexy. And by “different” I mean “wrong” and “awful”.

Burlesque, as I have gathered, is supposed to be vaguely empowering. This is why you are not allowed to throw dollar bills at the dancers. You have to put the dollar bills into a hat. Classy!

“I’m showing my boobs, hooray for feminism!”

“I have these men in the palm of my hand!”

“My sisters are supporting me!”

Blah blah blah.

Did I mention there’s no real nudity in this thing? Yeah, that’s right.

“Hey Chad, wanna go look at some chick’s boobs?”

Sure, I say.

“But you won’t be able to see her nipples, cuz they’lll be covered up, isn’t that great?”

That, my friends, is a quick lesson in “How to get your neck snapped by Chad Robuckle”.

And you can forget about seeing any beave altogether.

I can’t stress to you how non-sexy and tedious all of this is.

I know what you’re going to say, “But it’s sexier when there’s a little mystery!”

Wrong. It’s sexier when you get completely naked as fast as you can.

“But lots of guys have told me so!”

Those guys (see dipshit in picture above) were lying to you because they thought it would get them laid (and they were probably right). Let’s face it: the truth is, you want some attention and you can’t really get it with your clothes on. On the other hand, your parents are still alive. So what’s a girl to do?

I know! Dress up in some stupid costume and dance around for six minutes, then, right at the end of the act, take your top off and flash your breasts for 3 seconds.

Seriously, what is the point of this?

Do you really think any (straight) guy in the world is interested in how many rhinestones you’ve got on your hat or where you got your feather boa?

I know, in your minds at least, there is some sort of “artistic value” to all of this, but trust me, there isn’t. If your face was a little manlier, I would think I was at a drag show. Why? Because they also don’t show any trim there, either.

The whole thing is so exagerrated and campy, it would make John Waters blush. There is this element of “comedy” to the enterprise, where the awful host comes out and “teases” the audience with what amounts to a terrible Mae West impression. Actually, the last time I was at Cheetah’s, I remember thinking, “You know what this place needs? For these stupid bitches to start telling some fucking jokes.”

But the part of burlesque that I find really offensive is that there are actual classes for this.”Hey, I’m gonna pay 300 dollars for some lady to show me how to pretend I’m a stripper!”

Don’t even get me started on “that lady”. Let me just say that this whole venture is very offensive to the real strippers out there. And I know, because I bang a lot of them.

Newsflash: if you want to be a stripper, don’t spend money on some stupid classes, do what a real stripper does. Have sex with your dad. That doesn’t cost you a dime (financially).


  1. speaking of Chris Elliot, look who’s live and in persopn with Alan Zweibel and Merrill Markoe at the Skirball Tonight (I got this from, free signup, half price and better tkts, won;t be able to go myself, thought you might like to know):

    Title: Writing for Laughs: A Conversation with Chris Elliott and Alan Zweibel
    Venue: Skirball Cultural Center (Los Angeles, CA)
    Full Price: $15.00 Our Price: $7.50
    Actor and writer Chris Elliott — best known for his appearances on Late Night with David Letterman and his roles in Groundhog Day and other classic comedies — is the author of The Shroud of the Thwacker, a hilarious spoof of The Alienist and The Da Vinci Code. The Skirball Cultural Center presents Elliott in conversation about the art of comedy writing with Alan Zweibel, award-winning writer for Saturday Night Live and Curb Your Enthusiasm, and author of The Other Shulman: A Novel. Comedy writer/producer Merrill Markoe (Late Night with David Letterman) will moderate the conversation. A book signing will follow the program.

    …you’re welcome

  2. Hehehehehehehehehe. You nailed-it, pal. Mystery is fine during foreplay, but yes, getting a woman naked is the real-deal. Stripping isn’t necessarily an empty, non-spiritual experience. It can be very powerful for everyone. There should just be (fuck, I guess there are) these little areas we all agree-on, where there’s a safe social-space for meeting and bonking. Yeah, I know, AIDs. Hey, that’s Dita in that photo. I remember her saying she was ‘gay’. WTF?! Maybe that Marilyn Manson knows something the ladies didn’t? You know, like how to amass miliions-and-millions of dollars wearing clown-makeup…

  3. I love you so much Chad. As a burlesque dancer I should be upset by your rantings, but because my desire to have sex with you is greater than the level of my self respect, I must agree with you. Please have sex with me. I’ll show you it all. I love you Chad! I love you and hope abort your children someday!

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