In defense of animals

If you are like me, you love animals and your name is Eric. Ha cha cha. But seriously, folks. I recently noted the passing of TV’s beloved Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin and it saddens me to read about the retaliatory stingray mutilations that are going on in his home country of inbred, 19th century convict-spawn.

Some jerks have taken it upon themselves to avenge Mr. Irwin’s death by killing stingrays and cutting off their tails. Way to learn from the man’s legacy, assholes.

I also saw a piece on The Daily Show about hunters who shoot animals with non-lethal darts, leaving no long-term damage to the deer and elk and bison they are hunting.

The guy who was profiled was portrayed as some sort of “kook”, but is this such a bad idea? If hunting really is just about being out in nature and getting down to that instinctual level most people have abandoned (like hunters always claim), the killing part should be incidental, no?

Which leads me (finally) to my point: if you can hunt without killing, perhaps you can enjoy meat without killing those animals too?

Hear me out. Vegetarianism is becoming more and more popular. It’s no longer just for crazy idiots who hate their parents. People want to eat healthy, they have concerns about the conditions animals are raised in and what this is doing to the environment. And they are also worried about the ethicality of slaughtering other creatures for our own sustenance.

Now, I don’t know about those first couple of things, but I have taken a lesson from that guy on The Daily Show and solved this ethics problem once and for all.

From a logical standpoint, an animal doesn’t have to die just so you can eat it.

If you enjoyed eating snakeskin, you wouldn’t go out and kill a bunch of snakes, would you? Precisely! And that is my point.

It’s the exact same thing with a cow or a chicken. What’s your favorite part of a chicken? The drumstick? OK, you’re in luck. Chickens don’t need legs. That’s what chicken wheelchairs are for.

If you prefer the breast, you might be out of luck, but I never said this was going to be easy. It’s going to require lots of really big compromises on all sides, but don’t you think it’s worth it to live in a more humane, more natural world?

I am talking about surgical removal of non-essential body parts from animals which normally have to be killed to provide us with meat products.

It’s like that rumor about how Kentucky Fried Chicken had to change its name to KFC because they started using headless chickens. Only in reverse. Kinda.

I know what you’re thinking: “That’s so simple, why didn’t I think of that?” But most great (dare I say “genius”?) ideas are like that.

Don’t you think Thomas Edison probably felt like an idiot for not inventing electricity sooner? I sure do – feel like he’s an idiot for making us wait, that is.

This is going to take a substantial investment to get off the ground, but I feel that people are willing to pay heavy taxes for a program like this. Any resistance to this idea will melt away as Joe Sixpack takes a bite out of his delicious hamburger while he sees the smile on the face of the grateful cow with its ass removed.

Of course, these animals are going to require constant medical attention for the rest of their lives, but this will lead to a boon in cottage industries, specifically created to cater to their needs: Barnyard life-support systems. Harnesses for hoisting larger animals which can longer move or feed themselves on their own. And of course, the aforementioned chicken wheelchairs.

In the end, no cost is too great to ensure that our furry friends are kept alive at all costs, no matter if that means they are completely immobilized or even in a vegetative state.

And luckily for us, now a “vegetative state” doesn’t have to mean a country in which people are forced to go without delicious meat products, just to do the right thing.



  1. Wow, that was hot! Am I the only one that got aroused thinking about those sexy cows hanging in a harness on life support? Or chickens in wheelchairs? Man, that’s hot! I wish I wasn’t at work. Ah, fuck it…

  2. The danger is that these creatures will evolve to cope with lost limbs etc. I can visualise a cow with its forelegs removed eventually walking upright – it’s a scary thought. Next thing they’ll start wearing loose-fitting shorts and t-shirts, drinking beer and moving into the neighbourhood. Nobody objects to chickens in wheelchairs but a strutting cow (even with half its ass removed) is a different proposition. If we’re going down this road as true animal lovers, please insist that all creatues are completely immobilised (in as humane a way as possible of course).

  3. *cough* jonathan swift *cough*

    Anyways, I’m thinking about converting to vegetarianism, but I haven’t found the right reasons yet. It’ll be hard, since my favorite foods are triple cheese burgers, and quadruple cheese burgers. Do fish and chicken even count?

  4. When I was a child my father owned a medical supply shop that sold wheelchairs exclusively to chickens. I now wish this new vegetarian craze could have came at an earlier time (say 1986) then we wouldn’t have lost the house, and I’m pretty sure my dad wouldn’t have blown off the back of his head with a shotgun on my 8th birthday.

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