Here is what I consider my best work, condensed into an easy to follow set of links! Imagine that! There are so many of them, not because I’m egotistical, but rather because I’m indecisive. And egotistical. If there’s any you like that aren’t up here, feel free to email me and let me know. Thanks!
These are in chronological order of when I wrote them because I am too lazy to do it any other way, so feel free to skip around. The Chad Robuckle ones are at the bottom and I consider those some of my best work.
The Revenge – A boy gets revenge on his parents for reasons unknown to the author.
Pickles the dog – A story loosely based on the time I tried to pay a girl to make out with her brother at my birthday.
The fish who couldn’t swim – A fish who couldn’t swim. Duh.
My trip to Subway – I stand up for my beliefs in alternative condiments and I get a glimpse of a secret, tiny world.
Meet Mary Raptorapper – An imaginary friend and her unusual job. I don’t know why I never wrote another story about her, I guess there are just no good roles for women in Hollywood.
Craig’s List find of the day! – I make a fake Craigslist ad involving tattoos or something.
Jimbo hates the Olive Garden – A boy who hates the Olive Garden and almost commits murder because of it.
Ironically, literary editor caught mis-using the term, “ironically” – Don’t let this happen to you! Republished here.
These knuckleheads at the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru are really starting to cheese me off! – A guy gets pushed too far and takes the law into his own hands. Republished here.
You want a piece of this? – A criminal’s letter to the old woman he victimized. Or is it vice-versa?
The worst thing that happened in 2005 – I miss out on watching a movie at Disney World. No, I don’t think I’m over-reacting.
My name is Eric Filipkowski and I was a victim of child molestation – The harrowing, true tale of the day my life was shattered. *warning – graphic content* Republished here.
Girlfriend insurance – I get sexist for a change and explain the phenomenon that is sweeping the country.
My telegram to Jesus – A tribute to the passing of the telegram.
Why I love clowns (Koko) – This is a story I wrote for my girlfriend while I should have been entering a contest.
My new ad campaign – I decide to give up comedy and do something productive with my life.
My broken heart – No, not another story about my operation and how everyone should feel sorry for me. This is a true story about my attempt to make the woman I love stay with me forever. Republished here.
Abramowitz Co. Launches ‘Black People Brand Hot Sauce’ – Because nobody writes fake news stories, especially ones involving racial issues, I decided to be a hero the nation and the world and take on that responsibility. Republished here.
Cunt – I use the c-word and get all “political”.
How Lucky lost his leg – The true story of how my three-legged dog went from being a four-legged dog to a three-legged dog.
The Ray Bans – A story about a man and his sick aunt. Sounds like a Chad Robuckle story, but it’s not. Cuz I changed the names.
Thank you, American Girl! – I buy some love and learn you get what you pay for.
Score one for “progress” – I lament the passing of an American Icon. A true story. Seriously, it’s true. I’m not lying.
A true story about love – Why I never became a singing sensation.
Pages of pictures – My ode to Bill Cosby and his weirdly squeaking magic pen.
The Whore – A republished version of a story about a lonely boy’s attempt to fit in and find love. Basically, it’s exactly like that movie with Patrick Dempsey.
Hero – A cautionary tale about the risks of trying to help people.
Saying goodbye – The true story of my dead daughter. Alternatively titled “too many dildos”.
The Jenny Test – I teach my no-good girlfriend to butt out of my business!
The costume contest – Best. Halloween. Ever.
The Good Sportsmanship Award – A semi-true account of the reasons leading up to my decision to never play baseball again.
Harold – I swear to God, most of this is actually true. A guy pranks the wrong people, gets poisoned and nearly dies.
The mile high bumper sticker club – When you’re recovering from surgery, addicted to Vicodin and feeling the need to write about the time you betrayed a racist salad, it will probably end up something like this.
Dick Blick – My brother’s imaginary friend/child molestor gets us a free trip to Disney World – and a ticket to jail for the poor sap who shares his name.
Congratulations, John Bennett! – Recollections of the time I tried to help my ingrateful monkey butler conquer his greatest fear.
My father, the robot – Just like that movie with Kirk Cameron where he’s a robot or something.
Swimming sucks (OK, I didn’t mean that) – Sometimes when you find a magic lamp, the genie inside is a bigger dickweed than Robin Williams.
How do you like me now, fatass? – An angry black youth’s letter to potential adopters.
Making out with your sister is fun – Not just an easy way to attract sickos to your website, an important piece about eating pine cones.
Thank you, Todd Bridges – It’s tough to be a former child star. It’s even tougher to ride a bike and talk on your phone without your Bluetooth headset.
The Wishing Well – Now that I’m reading it again, this is very similiar to the show, “Home Improvement”.
RIP Crocodile Hunter – My non-funny tribute to some guy from Australia.
Ricky Gervais Sucks: in defense of crankiness – I opine on something I admittedly know very little about.
In defense of animals – A novel approach to finding new alternatives to veganism.
How to be a successful blogger! – Some shared tips on making not just new readers, new friends.
desperate times – The phenomenal success of the Nintendo Wii leads some to go to extreme lengths to procure their own console.
My plan for peace on earth – I rename my cat and suddenly all wars come to a screeching halt. I’m that influential.
Disneyland: Stop the discrimination! – An expose of just one of the many backward-thinking practices of this popular amusement park.
Friday Mailbag: A letter from this guy! – A fake letter from a fake homophobe.
Ed Begley Jr., I’m sorry – Unfortunately, the excitement of youth can lead you to do stupid things you later regret.
Welcome, disappointed perverts! – Essentially, “How to be a successful blogger: part 2”.
Carlos Mencia – Dickbag of the Week – I attack a popular comedian because I am racist.
Here are links to stories involving my imaginary friends.
Chad Robuckle: imaginary “friend” – My introduction to my imaginary friend who may or may not have raped someone.
Look what I found – Chad Robuckle’s letter to Mythbusters.
Chad Robuckle’s Dad – Hopefully, this will explain why Chad is the way he is.
Fish Killer – Chad’s love of animals backfires.
The adventures of Arthur Q. Pennybottoms – Chad goes on an epic quest for adventure. People die.
I hate Carly Simon – By Chad Robuckle – Chad wins a contest and makes an enemy of a recording artist and 70’s icon. Republished here.
Terry Bradshaw and me – by Chad Robuckle – Chad’s brush with celebrity.
Congratulations women, by Chad Robuckle – Chad voices his opinions on the fairer sex and costs me several real-life friendships.
The worst thing I ever did – The time I convinced my other imaginary friend to tell his parents he was gay.
My note to the tooth fairy – How I found out the tooth fairy isn’t real.
The time I won a ventriloquism contest – Here’s a heart-warming tale of a boy and his dummy.
A true story! – Some childhood pranks go wrong.