Don’t worry, this isn’t one of those mass-mailed things that everyone claims to hate yet keeps sending me 400 of a day, I made this one myself! Feel free to pass it on and answer these yourself!
1.) First thing you said after you were dumped for the third time for not being Jewish:
Um, why do I even bother? Maybe I should go to the library and check out a copy of the Koran? Just joshin!
2.) Number of dumps per day your roommate’s three-legged dog takes on the patio because he can’t go in the backyard due to the fact that he hasn’t learned yet that if he digs up that one bush, he’ll keep getting nettles in his eye:
3 or 4? I don’t really count them… that seems like a weird question.
3.) If you had to choose between the third and the fourth and time you had open heart surgery, which one would you say was worse and why?
Wow, these seem really specific to me. I would have to say the fourth due to the prolonged recovery time and the fact that I’m still experiencing side effects to this day.
4.) Amount of money you were awarded when you were shot in the eye due to gross negligence on the part of your neighbors who allowed their hyper-active son with learning disabilities to shoot a bow and arrow unsupervised:
Um, none. My parents didn’t sue them even though my vision never fully recovered. I’m not sure, my dad doesn’t like suing people, I guess.
5.) Percentage of people you know who still believe to this day that you actually have a monkey heart even though that’s medically impossible and has never been performed successfully on a human:
I would say it’s now down to probably 20 or 30 percent. It was much higher for a while. Like… at least half. I mean, these are largely college-educated people we’re talking about too.
6.) Number of bananas you end up throwing out because you never manage to eat them all before they go rotten which you buy out of some futile attempt to balance out all the bad shit you consume daily, as if one piece of fruit is going to do that:
Well, it’s not my fault that they go from green to brown so fast. You’ve got a window of 2 to 3 days where they’re yellow and it grosses me out when they’re squishy. So… 3 probably? I usually buy five or so and only get around to eating 2. Can you buy just two? Maybe I should do that.
7.) Number of dents in the hood of your car from the time you fucked up your bumper in the Arby’s drive-thru and were so mad you punched it:
OK, come on! The banana thing I’m sure people can relate to, but this one is ridiculous. There’s only one person in the world who’s probably done that exact sequence of events and it’s me and I only punched my hood once and it’s a small dent.
8.) Why do you keep all those t-shirts in the bottom of your closet that you’re never going to wear? I mean, they’re all ragged and have pit stains and are probably too small anyway? What’s the deal with that?
I can’t throw them out because they are a physical reminder of past events. They were touching my skin cells when momentous occasions in my life happened. Some of which I can’t even remember, but I feel their absence like my roommate’s dog feels his missing leg. Those skin cells have long fallen off and turned to dust in some apartment that housed me 7 owners ago, but the shirt lives on.
9.) Why does your toe curl under the other one like that? That’s gross.
This is a great survey. I’m sure people are going to love answering these questions, I mean, that’s some universal appeal we’ve got going here. I have no idea why my toe does that. I’m sure it’s related to my genetic defect in some way? You tell me, smart guy.
10.) I sense a lot of anger in you, why don’t we end with you telling us why you’re so angry:
OK, well I don’t think I’m angry, I’m just a little annoyed at the questions–
10.) Because I think it’s due to your sense of entitlement. Like “ooh, I had heart surgery, the world owes me! Poor Eric Filipkowski, let’s shower him with blessings!”
You know what? Fuck you, I don’t need this.
10.) Oh no, now crybaby doesn’t want to play anymore! Boo hoo! Why don’t you fly back to Rhode Island again? Better book your ticket FIRST CLASS like you did last time, that way you don’t have to mingle among the common folk who haven’t had any heart surgery.
Are you done?
Look, do I feel I have been dealt a shitty hand in life? Yes, in some ways I do. In other ways, I know I am a very lucky person who has been given gifts many haven’t. I know that I have great friends and family who love me and would do anything for me. I have come back from the brink of death to enjoy living on my own, free from illness and able to go about my day as a normal person.
Of course, there is more I could be doing right now to make things happen in my career, etc., but I’m getting myself out there, albeit slowly. All in all, I feel I’m in a pretty good place and have a lot to be thankful for. I’m sorry I sometimes wallow in self-pity, I’m sure it gets old. I apologize to anyone who has to listen to my bitching, but I think we can all benefit from taking the time to look around at our lives and–
10.) OK, OK! Enough! Jeez, this wasn’t very funny at all.
Well whose fault is that? I have to go get in the shower.
10.) Alright, take it easy. Hey, come up with something funny for the next one, OK?