Things I’ve Noticed – by Eric Filipkowski

billy crystal
Apparently my last “fuck you” to everybody was too subtle, as I still have some friends left. Hopefully, this pile of shit will fix that.

1. First off, have you ever noticed there are lots of differences between men and women? I have and I don’t think anybody really points them out. Especially in comedy. For instance: men like watching sports and women like shopping. Men enjoy casual sexual encounters and women are looking for lasting, meaningful relationships. I know this is probably pretty controversial stuff, but that’s what I do: I SAY the things everyone is thinking but are too afraid to admit! If you’ve got a problem with this, it’s probably because you’re on your period or something.

2. I was listening to the song “Foxy Lady” by Jim Hendrix and noticed there is a line that I believe goes, “’scuse me, while I kiss the sky”, but if you listen carefully, you can almost hear him say, “’scuse me, while I kiss THIS GUY!” LOL! How embarrassing! My heart goes out to you, Jim, for this terrible gaffe. I haven’t laughed that hard since I heard that guy sing “wrapped up like a douche” in that song about being blind.

3. Speaking of homosexuals, I think that, in general, they pay more attention to their appearance and matters of cleanliness than their heterosexual counterparts. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule: Jim Belushi comes to mind, but in general, I think this is a fair thing to say. Obviously I’m not talking about lesbians. We all know what their deal is.

4. I was watching Scooby Doo the other day and I realized that whole show seems to be about drug use! Think about it: that guy, Shaggy, totally looks like some kind of marijuana-smoking beatnik and him and his dog are always hungry and paranoid! It makes sense. Can you believe people would do that in a show marketed towards kids?

5. White people are worse at dancing than African-Americans. I think the problem is we have less rhythm. That’s what a black guy told me once. If you don’t believe me, go to any club and check out the dance floor. I think this is actually a form of racism where white people dance worse on purpose so that black people won’t feel bad about us being so much better at sports than they are. Which is pretty condescending, if you think about it.

6. TV isn’t as good as it used to be. Back in the day, you could flip on the tube and be greeted with such classics as “Men Behaving Badly”, “Friends” and “Just Shoot Me”. Even “Caroline in the City” is better than that crap they show now. Case in point: “Arrested Development”. I can’t watch this show. It could be funny, I’m not sure. How are we supposed to know when to laugh if we can’t hear the audience laughing? Lame. I’m glad it got cancelled.

7. Old people drive too slow! Normally I’m not one to harp on the negatives of “The Greatest Generation”, I’m just glad I’m not speaking German right now, but this really grinds my goat. I’m no speed demon, myself. I stay within the boundaries of the limit of the law, at the maximum and the minimum. Also, what’s with them wearing their pants so high? And Geritol? What the hell does that do? Am I right? Right?

8. Sometimes alcohol makes certain members of the opposite sex more attractive to me. I know, it sounds awful, doesn’t it? But I’m trying to be totally honest here. There are times when I’ve had a little too much to drink and a woman I previously thought to be unattractive will suddenly look much better. Usually this occurs late at night, right before the drinking establishment I am at is about to close and I have been unsuccessful in wooing my previous choices for companionship. I think this is related to the alcohol impairing my judgment in some way and not really a vision problem, but I choose to call this phenomena “beer glasses” anyway. No wait, that could be confusing. People could confuse my meaning and think I am speaking of an actual receptacle for beer, instead of something that goes over your eyes and alters the perceived appearance of other bar patrons. I will say “beer spectacles” in order to avoid any confusion.

9. Billy Crystal is hilarious, but I feel that, as of late, he has lost his way. And believe me, it pleases me not to say this. I am a huge fan. Huge! His “more pepper for my paprikash” bit in “When Harry Met Sally” kills me every time. Ditto anything from “City Slickers”, but recently he can’t seem to get in that classic Fernando groove. My advice? Make good on that promised Harry/Sally sequel and Mr. Crystal will soon be “looking mahvelous” once again!

10. Finally, I’ve saved my most controversial “thing I’ve noticed” for last. I think that sometimes politicians aren’t entirely honest with us. I know Nixon famously said “I’m not a crook” and I’m certainly not going to go so far as to put that label on anyone in office because I feel nothing gives us that right, but I find the practices of some politicians both past and present to be questionable. I’m not going to name any names (well, besides the one I just named), but where are those weapons of mass destruction you promised us were in Iraq? I thought you said you didn’t have sexual relations with that woman? You really didn’t chop down that cherry tree? I suppose it chopped itself down, huh?

OK, well if you’re still reading, then you are either really bored or drunk or unintelligent. Perhaps both. Maybe it’s 4:23 and you just got high or your Dane Cook DVD got scratched and there’s nothing on Spike TV. I don’t know and I don’t care. Just give me my damn money and tell me where you took my daughter last night. I’m not mad, seriously. I just want to know. Call it curiosity. I’m not going to get in your face about it. I swear.


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