Alot of people ask me how my roommate’s dog, Lucky, lost his leg. I always tell them the same thing: Nobody knows because Lucky was a three-legged dog when Bordo got him from the pound and not a single person there knew anything about it.
But this is a lie.
I know Lucky’s whole story because Lucky told me himself.
It’s true. Some may say I’m a liar, some may say I was drunk and they would both be right, but what they don’t realize is that a lie is nothing more than a truth that has gotten wasted on Jaegermeister and starts bragging about how hot those chicks it had sex with that it met last night at the strip club were.
Do you follow?
About four years ago, Lucky was on top of the world. His agent was in talks for him to replace Anthony Clark on “Yes, Dear”, he was dating a great girl and he had four legs.
Then, everything went to shit.
CBS decided to scrap plans to air a two-part season finale in which Anthony Clark’s character develops a nasty staph infection from a hang nail and dies, saying it was unnecessarily morbid and not in the tone of the show. Lucky and Susan Sarandon then decided to pull the plug on their 17 year relationship and go their separate ways.
Lucky made the rounds of the Hollywood party scene. He was on the cover of Us Weekly, dating a new starlet every week. He was hitting all the hot clubs and doing coke. His work suffered. He stopped getting callbacks. Then he stopped getting auditions.
Lucky’s luck finally ran out one night when he got caught banging some dude’s wife. He had always been a careful dog but now he had gotten sloppy. In the heat of their passion, they left the front door open and forgot to take down the sign on the lawn that says “I am cheating on my husband right now with a brown dog”.
So this guy (who’s a firefighter, no less), comes bounding up the steps, screaming that he’s going to kill both of them. The chick manages to lock the door but now he’s chopping it down with his firefighter axe, ala Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
Well Lucky’s no dummy, he says a quick “goodbye/don’t call me” and jumps out the window. The only problem is, his back, right paw got caught on the window sill.
So as the guy busts through the door, Lucky’s dangling from the ledge, swinging around like crazy and practically rips his own leg off.
But then, right before the dude is about to grab him, Lucky breaks loose and falls down the side of the house, landing softly in a bush. As the guy hurls epithets at him from above, Lucky trots to the end of his yard, takes a dump right near the mailbox and is on his way.
As he’s high-tailing it back to his place, vaguely aware that the guy is probably gonna get in his car and try and run him down, his super-sensitive sense of smell picks up the smell of smoke and burning children. He heads down a street he’s never travelled before and sure enough, there is an orpahanage on fire.
All the poor, little orphans were screaming for help but of course, they didn’t have any parents who loved them and would call 911 for them, so society left them to burn to their deaths.
Lucky felt this was unfair and sprang to the rescue, ignoring the flames and fearing not for his own safety, he ran into the orphanage and dragged those unloved little bastards out of there by the scruffs of their parent-less necks.
Only when he had brought the last one to safety and he had collapsed on the ground from exhaustion and smoke-inhalation did those show-boating firemen arrive.
Sure enough, there was the guy that Lucky had just been cuckolding. Well he sees Lucky and he doesn’t care that he’s a hero. He grabs Lucky’s back, right leg and is just about to take a bite out of it, like it was a drumstick he had gotten at Disneyworld, when the other fire fighters pull him off.
“You can’t do that, this dog saved all these orphans!” said the sergeant.
“This dog was just banging my wife!” replied the fireman.
“Oh get off your high-horse, Clemons,” said one of the veterans of the force, “we’ve all had our dicks in your wife’s vagina, she’s a goddam whore!”
All the firefighters shook their heads in agreement and Clemons saw the error of his ways. He put Lucky down and shook his paw, telling him, “Any dog that can drag 15 worthless orphans from a burning building is fit to bang my wife anytime he wants.”
All the firemen and onlookers burst into applause. Fortunately for Lucky, the local news crew caught the whole thing on tape and it was re-broadcast all around the world.
Lucky was flying high again. He was the toast of the nation and was soon making the scene at fashion shows in New York, Paris and Milan.
But just as it looked like things were going Lucky’s way again, tragedy struck: Lucky was diagnosed with back, right leg cancer, which is cancer of the back, right leg.
As hard as he fought, through all the chemo, it looked like Lucky’s luck was out of luck. His leg would have to be removed.
The night before the surgery, Lucky kneeled by the side of his bed and out of desperation, prayed to Satan that his leg would be spared.
When he awoke the next morning, Lucky felt like a brand new dog. The doctors were confounded. His cancer was gone. It was a miracle. It was only then that Lucky started to panic and realize what he had done.
To break his contract with the Dark Lord, Lucky purchased a band saw at Home Depot, keeping the receipt so that he could return it once he was done with it. He sawed off his own leg and since the Prince of Darkness hadn’t really saved him from anything, the deal was off.
His options in Hollywood now limited by his handicap, Lucky did what all washed up losers do: he went on the Surreal Life Season 5. There he shared a house with the likes of Janice Dickinson, Omarosa, Balki and Jose Canseco’s dog who introduced him to the homosexual lifestyle which he now enjoys.
If you are gay and you enjoy dogs who bark all the time for no reason and smell really bad and have terrible farts, perhaps you would be interested in making your own stories with Lucky. Mine is almost at its end as my roommate is about to leave for 48 days and I have a feeling there are some medical researchers out there who want to meet this dog.
I’m just joshin’!