If you’ve ever wanted to see me go off on a rant for really no valid reason and have me go totally apeshit, you’re in luck.

Everyone else, go to hell.

So I’m trying to print out a fairly important set of files today, totaling about 30 pages. My printer doesn’t work, I knew that. What I didn’t know is that the 17 other printers in my house that belong to my roommate also don’t work. At all.

So now I’ve gotta figure out some way to get my files somewhere else where I can print them out. Seems easy, right?

Long story short, it’s not. They’re in Final Draft, so it’s not like I can just take them to anyone’s computer and print them out like a text file. I have to convert them to a Word document. The problem with that is, they’re scripts and scripts that are written in Final Draft don’t always look great in Word but I was hoping this is one time that wouldn’t be an issue.

It was. Or wasn’t. I don’t know which one. The one that means “they look like crap.” That one.

I had to re-space everything and get it right in Word. Then, just to be sure everything would work right, I copied all the files (both Final Draft and Word) into my USB memory key AND burned them to a CD. I figured I would be set.

There is no one I know within a half-hour drive who works in an office who is either willing or able to print these out for me and plus, I figure, “well it can’t be that much, I’ll just go to Kinko’s”.


The guy at Kinko’s tells me it’s $.49 cents a page to print them out from one of the Kinko’s computers. If you’re keeping track, that’s 15 bucks. For 30 black and white pages that are probably costing them .0028 cents.

So I log onto their ancient Dell with the shit for brains asshole burnt out screen that makes you blind and my time is ticking away in the corner. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it also costs $.25 per minute for the honor of using their 50 dollar computer from 1987 which conveniently takes forever to do anything. Odd that they would have a slow computer, don’t they realize that’s jacking up the price for people who are using their services?

Not only is this thing slow, but it’s got a dirty roller ball mouse. It’s 2006. There is no excuse for using a roller ball mouse. Digital mice can be had for 10 dollars. If you have a computer with a roller ball mouse and I catch you with that thing, I am going to take your whole computer, break it over your fucking head and then have sex with your wife. Then I will buy you a real mouse for the new computer you’re going to have to buy which probably comes with one anyway, because, like I said, it’s 2006.

So I’m trying to print this crap out as quickly as I can and the counter is ticking and I’m fast approaching the 10 dollar mark and I’m not even half done. So then this girl starts talking to me–

I can’t stress this enough how much I hate fucking roller ball mice. Even when they’re brand new, out of the box, they still suck. Having to use one of them makes my stomach muscles spasm. I feel like I’m going to throw up just thinking about it.

OK, so anyway, I finally get my shit printed out (20 bucks later and not even looking right but at this point I don’t even care) and then I’ve gotta staple everything and stick it in the envelope. Of course, they don’t have any pens there for you to use so I have to go and ask the Fed Ex guy for one. I tape everything up and get it ready to be shipped out via Fed Ex – Ha, yeah right! Like I’m going to spend 30 dollars to send something when the Post Office charges me 2 bucks. Keep dreaming, assholes.

So I’m in the car, I’m trying to calm down. The Post Office is probably 500 feet from Kinko’s, but the way the intersection is set up, I have to go in the total opposite direction, down a backstreet and around to the other side. There are cars everywhere. It’s 4 o’clock and I’m at Laurel Canyon and Ventura. It’s basically a nightmare.

I finally get to the Post Office, which goes surprisingly well, but now it’s time to leave and the parking lot is basically a parking lot (LOL!). I’m trying to leave but the street is so backed up, nobody can move. I’m sitting there, with 3 cars in front of me when I see her.


She’s waving at me frantically, “what could she want,” I wonder? I roll down my window.

“You have to move your car! I can’t get out of here!” Boy is she pissed. Well I better move my car so she can get out of here, seems reasonable enough–

Wait a minute! I’m trying to leave too (see diagram). I can’t move, I’m blocked in. Why is she yelling at me?


Imagine Elaine Boosler’s uglier, fatter mother. Then cover her in feces. Punch her in the face til her bones turn to mush and then flip her over and start punching the other side. Rip off your own arm and then use it to–

OK, I’m calm. This doesn’t affect me. I am above it all. You want to yell at people for no reason on a hot day when traffic is murder? That’s your deal and if anyone out there believes in karma, it will come back and bite her in the ass sometime in the near future.

“You have to move your car! I can’t get out of here!”

Oh, you’re trying to get out of here? That’s weird, cuz I was just sitting here admiring this parking lot. I had actually planned on staying there for the next six hours cuz I just love it so much. We’re going to the same place idiot and neither of us can get there until the people in front of me move.

I mean, come on. I know I said I’m over this, but how fucking dumb can one person be?

OK, now here’s the thing about the title. I know people don’t like that word. I know it’s “not cool” to say it. I thought about saying “c*nt” or “the C word” or something like that, but why?

She’s a cunt. Plain and simple.

That’s why words like that are invented. Yes, they get over-used, but sometimes they are appropriate.

I don’t refer to all women this way, I don’t really refer to any women this way because I’m not sure this beast was human.

Maybe I’m not seeing this from her side of things, maybe she was having a bad day (kinda like the one I was having), maybe she was about to shit herself because she’s old and she forgot to put on her Depends that morning.

Not my problem.

In the general sense, she is an asshole. But in the specific sense, she is a cunt, because if she was a man, I would have gotten out and beat the shit out of her. Or more likely, she would have beaten the shit out of me, but whatever. It would be over. But because she’s a woman, that’s not tolerated in society. That’s looked down upon. And bravo, says I!

But if you’re going to play upon that, it makes you more than an asshole. If you think it’s OK for you to go around being an asshole because you know there will be no serious repercussions because you’re an old woman, that makes you a cunt.

I stand by my assertion and rest my case.

Jesus fucking Christ, I need a beer or some heroin or something.

I’m just joshin!


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