My new ad campaign

Here’s the deal: there’s not a lot of money in comedy.

For every Jim Carrey making $300,000/year or whatever he makes, there’s six or seven people who barely crack a hundred.

Maybe I’m a sellout, but I want to be rich. I want a Dodge Caravan with a DVD system so I can park by the beach, curl up on the bench seat in the back and fall asleep to Patch Adams.

I’m sick of doing stand up six nights a week like I do. I’m tired of the grind. There are some weeks I wake up in a shitty motel in a different, anonymous, midwestern city every single day.

I want a family and kids and a dog and a wife who understands that it means I love her more, not less, when I hit her.

I am a simple man, with simple needs. My one extravaganace that I allow myself is my goat cheese pizzas. I’m nuts for those.

So anyway, the comedy thing ain’t happenin’ for me. I give up. I’m talented and I’m super good-looking but it’s just not enough, you know? I’m not sure what it takes, I’m only sure I don’t have it. That’s a good one, I should use that in my act.

So anyway, what does a guy with all this talent do? I can’t just go and design computers and rockets and hot air balloons and crap like that, I need an outlet for my creativity. I need to give birth to the torrent of ideas pounding at my fucking brain like the tumor my doctors keep insisting I have after I blackout from my migraines and wake up in the hospital for the 47th time this week.

And then it hit me. The junction of comedy and commerce: the advertising business.

You get paid to create and the things you create make money. That’s advertising in a nutshell. There is the little matter of demographics and research and focus groups, but let the suits handle that bs, I’m an idea machine, mother fucker!

Now, I could go the usual route and go to college and try and get an entry-level job and work my way up the ladder, but that really wouldn’t be me, you know? I’m a “grab life by the balls” kind of guy, so I’ve decided I’m just gonna make an ad campaign for something that already exists and then I’ll probably get paid or something when people start buying it.

But what product should I advertise? What’s something everybody likes and is entirely free from controversy? I’m not sure.

All I know is people hate kids and they hate having kids. If there was some way to take pregnant people and make them not pregnant, the fella who thought up that idea would be a millionaire.

Well, imagine my surprise when I found out there is such an invention and it’s called “abortion”. Catchy, no?

I haven’t written it down or anything, but here’s the gist of it: Being pregnant is awful. You get fat, you can’t stop eating weird food (according to TV, anyway), you turn into a total bitch and you’re in pain all the time.

Some guys out there who are probably less sensitive than I am wouldn’t realize this, but a baby is much bigger than the average size vagina, from which they eventually come out of. Get it? It hurts.

Abortion: Just End It! Trust me, chicks are gonna eat this shit up. I’m assuming they just don’t realize this thing exists, or else, why would anyone go and have a kid? It doesn’t make any goddam sense. There’s kids everywhere, who the hell needs another one? No one, that’s who.

So there, that’s my pitch. A well-defined market of people looking for a service, a catchy jingle which I’m not going to write, some posters, yadda yadda yadda. Can I have my money now?


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