Hollywood fucks me again!

Well, you did it again, you stupid asshole city.

You may have seen the trailers for this new movie, Aquamarine. It’s some sort of teen comedy about a mermaid or something, I don’t know.

That’s right, a mermaid.

I had that idea! Nobody has ever done a mermaid movie before. They totally stole my idea.

I know you’re sitting there going, “what about The Little Mermaid? that’s about mermaids!”


That movie is about fathers and daughters and the relationship dynamic between the two. MY movie is about mermaids.

My movie is about a man who falls off a boat and almost drowns but he’s saved by a mermaid and falls in love with her. He goes to live in her mermaid village but then sneaks off in the middle of the night, after bangin’ her, to go enter the glamorous world of competition deep diving.

Because she’s made out with him and given him gills or whatever, he kicks ass and sets all sorts of new records and becomes a media darling. Meanwhile, his mermaid girlfriend swims to the Big City to find her true love but unlike in those other movies about mermaids, she doesn’t sprout legs or anything and has to drag herself through the streets to look for him.

It all culminates in a big finale where the mayor presents our protagonist with a medal and the keys to the city. In his moment of greatest triumph, he thinks about all he gave up back in Mermaid Town but reassures himself he’s made the right decision.

As he prepares to make his big speech, a woman screams, the crowd gasps and the camera pans around to his mermaid girlfriend who is now all shriveled up and dried out as she drags her body the last few feet towards the podium.

He rushes to her side as she draws her last breaths, whispers I love you and dies. Our hero takes his medal and throws it into the crowd in anger, hitting a small child in the face. The camera zooms down from the sky as he looks to the heavens and screams “Noooo!”

Just then, a procession of magic penguins makes its way through the crowd up to the podium. The Magic Penguin King tells our hero that in the name of true love, the penguins will grant him one wish, so that he can be reunited with his mermaid girlfriend. However, they warn him, he’ll have to spend the rest of his life under the sea in Mermaid Town.

He thinks it over, passes and then makes out with a much hotter girl who has legs.

Oh, also there’s a part with some robots.

So anyway, Hollywood, you can make it up to me. Buy my movie and give me millions of dollars. I figure I deserve since I had heart surgery, plus you already stole my idea for Casablanca.

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