If I get one question over and over, it’s, “How do you take such good, gosh darn poop pictures, Eric?”
Don’t laugh, there’s a real art to photographing your own dookie. I had to learn by trial and error, but luckily, you’ve got my years of expertise to rely on as I show you the way.
First off, let me just say that we are truly living in a golden age of fecal photography. When I was comin’ up, you had to lug 20 pounds of bulky camera equipment to the john, every time you wanted to snap off a shot. Nowadays, you just whip out your camera phone and you can zoom off a picture or a real-time streaming video to hundreds of your friends with the push of a button.
So step one is to get yourself a camera phone. Which leads me to the most misunderstood part of the whole operation: what do you do with the toilet paper?
If your crap is pretty hard, it’s easy: you just stand up and take the shot, sit back down and wipe up. That’s fine for some people, but I go to Taco Bell at least 4 times a week. The best way to ruin a picture is to have some toilet paper floating around in the bowl when you take it.
In some (rare) instances, it can add to the composition, but as a rule of thumb, it’s a no-no. The site of a big, brown log in the middle of a white, porcelain bowl is truly a magnificent thing to behold. Don’t let people (women) make you feel ashamed: this is something to be proud of. You’re not a fecalphiliac. Poop is funny and pictures of poop are goddam hilarious.
So the problem becomes, what to do with the toilet paper? This is where some advanced planning comes in handy. Bring a bag. I would recommend plastic over paper or cloth and I would check it for holes by blowing in it, closing off the top and seeing if it stays inflated.
Once you’ve got your bag, it’s only a matter of wiping up and depositing the toilet paper in the bag, and continuing with the procedure detailed above (see: “if your poop is hard”).
If you’re in a “fuck you” kind of mood, you can always just leave the bag, opened, in a trashcan or even on the floor. Sometimes if I’m at the gym, I’ll just shove it in a locker because I feel like they’re ripping me off, charging me sixty bucks so I can go on a treadmill for 45 minutes each month.
If you’re not feeling like a dick, or it’s your house or something, tie that fucker up tight (this is where the previous integrity check will come in handy) and take that shitty stuff out to the dumpster. Oh, and by the way, I think this is all technically a ‘felony’ or something, because I guess poop in a bag is a bio-hazard, so this whole article is for entertainment purposes only and whatnot.
Just kidding. Not about the felony part, but fuck it, what’s the point of living if you can’t have a good time, right? That’s what I say.
Finally, once you’ve taken your picture, you’re gonna want to show it off to people. That’s understandable. But in today’s modern society, some people feel like they have to put up this front like, “oh, that’s so gross” or “I feel like a weirdo looking at someone else’s shit.” That’s all bullshit. People want to see it, no matter what they say, so sometimes you have to trick them.
If you trick somebody, you’ve taken the control out of their hands and they are free to enjoy your wonderful photographs and not feel guilty that they actually wanted to see it. Basically, you’re giving them an “out”. They can say to themselves, “Gee, I didn’t really want to see this, I was tricked into it, I’m normal. I love my wife and my 2 kids and I’m not some sick pervert. Let’s go watch “According to Jim” and drink low-carb beer.” It’s sad, really.
That said, the easiest way to trick someone is to rename the picture “flowers.jpg” or “bigboobs.gif” or whatever. My advice is to avoid the word “poop” anywhere in the title. It really doesn’t matter what you name it, you can tailor the name to your audience. Don’t worry, it won’t change the content. A lot of people think that if they take “poop.jpg” and change it to “bunny.jpg” their beautiful poop picture will turn into a rabbit or something, but this just isn’t the case.
So in summation, I’ve given you the basics so you won’t fuck things up, but I really feel like the rest is up to your individual preferences. Some people are attracted to diarrhea’s “gross out” factor. Maybe you’re just looking to brag to your friends about a giant, foot long monster you squeezed out, it’s really up to you.
The important thing with poop pictures, just like with life, is to have fun with it. So go have some fun!