Buy my t-shirt


OK, I admit it. I bought a “vote for pedro” t-shirt. In my defense, though, it wasn’t for me. It was a gift.

Well then I went to this website and they pointed out that there are 8 million websites trying to profit off the success of “Lazy Sunday” already and I just lost it.

Oh, you’ve got some cupcakes on a shirt? And it says, “Snack Attack Mutha Fucka”? Just like in the song? Oh man, that’s great. That’s so clever. You know, that was kinda funny when I saw it the first time, on the show, but you wearing it on a shirt? That’s hilarious!

What’s that, you tell me? You’ve got another shirt with Chuck Norris on it? And it says his tears cure cancer or he can karate chop a pigeon in mid-flight and turn it into two seperate pigeons without the pigeons even knowing? That’s awesome!

Oh look! Here’s one with Mr. T! Do you want one with the Smurfs? Or Alf! Remember Alf? He’s back. In t-shirt form.

Yes, I know I just ripped off the Simpsons, but I don’t care.

The point is, this shit has got to stop. Do you think I like being this cranky? Well I don’t. Sorta.

In some ways, this is a good thing because it makes it that much easier to spot morons walking down the street. But in a different way, it’s terrible.

I know you think you’re the first person to like the Snorks. I believe you when you tell me, “No dude, you don’t understand, I loved that shit back in the day and I never really stopped liking them, I was just looking for this shirt for a long time, that’s all, everyone else is jumping on the bandwagon, but not me.” I believe you, I do. You’re the only one. Except, of course, for the people who made that shirt. And the other 50,000 people who bought one, but besides them, you’re the only one.

Maybe I’m full of shit. Maybe people just like to buy these shirts cuz they think they look cool, not because they’re trying to make a statement about their originality or individuality. I have a shirt that says, “tastes like chicken” written in 70’s block lettering. Doesn’t that make me just as bad?

No, it doesn’t. Shut up.

Let me tell you why: first of all, I am smart and you are stupid. Every reason you have for why I’m wrong, I’ve already thought it up. Second, all joking aside, this is a serious problem.

People really do think this is what passes for humor these days. Look at Robot Chicken or for that matter, anything on Adult Swim that isn’t Family Guy or Futurama.

80% of those shows you think are “totally awesome” are nothing more than some guy saying, “Hey, remember these obscure cartoon characters from your past? Well we’re gonna change them and make them have sex with each other and talk about poop and stuff.”

And as far as “web comedy” goes, that’s even worse. Sure, the G.I. Joe PSA’s were funny. The Shining trailer? That was amusing. You dubbing new words over some lame TV show from the 70’s? Not so much.

The point of something being a “cult classic” is that nobody got the joke the first time around. If you know it’s a cult classic when you’re making it, or worse yet, that’s what you’re aiming for, the results will predictably be terrible.

Wet, Hot, American Summer? That’s a cult classic. It was a huge flop when it came out. It’s a great movie and it’s hilarious but you saying, “Hey JJ, save me a waffle” makes me want to kill you.

I mentioned Family Guy, which I love, but the new episodes can’t compare to the first three seasons. Now, it’s just painfully obvious that they write these episodes, fully aware that they’re looking for Stewie’s new catchphrase. Which is why the Simpsons is now unwatchable. I knew that show had lost it when they did a whole episode about Ralph.

God! This is why I drink. It’s not your mother, though she’s the one I take it out on, but it’s really you. You’re the reason. Cuz you’re stupid and you make me embarassed that you carry half of my genes. Now go to your room before I tell your grandmother what you wrote on your Myspace profile.

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12 comments

  1. I whole heartedly agree with you on all accounts here, Eric. but it’s ok to quote Simpson’s to get your point across.

    As long as you quote it right.

  2. I have a t-shirt that I got at Target back in 2003 that says “Jamaican Me Crazy,” and it’s got a little picture of the island of Jamaica on it. Why did I buy it, you may ask? Because I was drunk. Why did I not throw it away, some may wonder? Because I’m still drunk, and drunk people have fun, and they also have really bad taste. Remember that chick you took home from the bar that one time when you were hammered out of your gourd? Yeah, I do, and if I was sober, I would tell you she was hideous. But I’m not, so high five!

  3. Yeah, I do that to all the really wasted guys. It’s a knack. But you sure look cool gettin’ all those high fives!

    You know, now that I think about it, I had a t-shirt once with the same thing on it. Except instead of the little Jamaica Island picture, it was Bob Marley, on his knees with a blind fold and Elmer Fudd with a double-barrel shotgun pokin’ him in his right temple. Wait–my shirt said “Jamaican me cwazy”. So it really wasn’t anything like your’s at all.

  4. Yeah like the whole t-shirt thing is so *yawn.* check out a ‘saying’ on a t-shirt I saw someone wearing recently:

    I DRINK
    I GET DRUNK
    I FALL DOWN

    pfft.

    Fuck t-shirts!

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