The most offensive thing I have ever seen

If you’re on my myspace page, maybe you noticed a bulletin I posted, entitled, “omg!!! this is AWESOME!!!” which you can read here.

Well, I’ve gotten a few complaints and mostly people agreeing with my implicit assertion that this is completely moronic, but here I will address the complaints.

I got this forward from my friend’s 13 year old daughter, so I’m not gonna fault her for anything, because she probably just thought it was funny. Well it’s clear she thought it was “AWESOME!!!”

Adults, however, should know better.

Why do I find this so offensive? Because I do, find it offensive, that is. I’m offended that somebody could write this and think this is a valid point or even a half-way reasonable argument to make. Let me be clear: it is not. It is moronic on so many levels that it boggles the mind that somebody could believe this yet still possess the mental agility to operate a computer, access the internet and spread these lies like a virus.

First of all, the overall message is the usual “Christians are being persecuted for their beliefs” bullshit we’re all sick of hearing. I know you’d love nothing more than for the apocalypse to be just around the corner so you can hang out with Jesus and his pals instead of us heathens and Jews, but I’ve got news for you: you’re not being persecuted.

Jesus was persecuted. Christians in the Stalinist Soviet Union were persecuted. People not wanting you to pray or teach about God in public schools is not persecution. You’re not dying for your beliefs. Believe me, I wish you were, just as much as you do.

If you want prayer in school, there’s a simple solution: GO TO A CHRISTIAN SCHOOL. It’s that simple. There’s plenty of them and they’d be glad to have you. Usually they are quite affordable and give out financial aid and scholarships to those who qualify.

This persecution complex rears its ugly head most obviously in the fact that this is clearly a fabricated example. There’s no “Tommy”, there’s no “Little Girl” and there’s no fucking teacher in the whole country who could get away with teaching a lesson like that.

Why’s that, you ask?

Because the example cited in this letter is ILLEGAL. That’s right. As illegal as it is for a teacher to teach about God in a public school, that goes both ways. The teacher can’t say if God is real and the teacher can’t say if God is not real. That’s up for each individual child’s family to decide and teach in their own time.

And you better believe that if one of these little bastards came home and told their parents, “Mommy, teacher said there’s no God!”, they would make a big fucking deal about it. And they should. Because it’s not the teacher’s place. There would be protests and lawsuits and action would be taken. In the make-believe world of this letter, however, only the brave little girl, with her faith in God, has the strength to stand up to the horrors of Atheism.

Ugh, that in itself is another lie. Implicitly, if you don’t want prayer and God in public schools it’s because you’re an atheist. Of course, most reasonable religious people understand that public schools are a place for learning about things like math and science and English. They know that God is something that should be taught in church, or Sunday school or in the home. Like music or art. Or gym.

And it’s not just because some people are Jewish and some people are Muslim and some people don’t believe in God and you have to cater to their whims. Even if every single person was Christian and believed the exact same thing (again, completely made up), school is not the place to teach these beliefs. You go to school to learn how to be a productive member of society and not merely a stereotype for the whole rest of the world to laugh at and hate.

My other big point is the obvious flaw in the logic of the little girl’s argument. I feel silly even addressing this, so I will be brief. Simply put, if the little girl were to split open the teacher’s head, either literally or by using a CT Scan or MRI machine (what? science? that’s the devil!), she and Tommy and the rest of the non-existant, make-believe class would be able to SEE the teacher’s brain. Of course, it is not yet possible to split open the clouds and see God, but maybe one day, with advances in Bible Science being the way they are, we might get to that point.

OK, I’m sick of thinking about this but if I still haven’t convinced you, then good luck with your job at the cracker factory. Because, seriously, ha ha, this is all really funny and maybe I’m getting worked up about nothing, but this kind of thinking breeds ignorance and ignorance leads to hate.

Maybe you’ve clicked on the other link I put up. You see, that’s a real example. That’s not made up, like this stupid letter. But they have a lot in common. They both have the message that if you don’t believe in God, you are against “us”. You are trying to hurt “us”. It’s hatred and it’s ugly and it substitutes something disgusting for the love of God.

So don’t be a fucking moron. I’d rather read a hundred surveys or unfunny jokes wrongly attributed to Mark Twain or Andy Rooney than this crap. Happy New Year.



  1. Damn, I’ve been walking by sight and not faith all this time! Must be that godless public school education holding me back.

    I don’t think most Christians feel persecuted. They’re taking over and loving life. I can’t wait till people with backgrounds and belief systems totally different from mine start making all of my important life decisions. It’s gonna be awesome!–>

  2. “First of all, the overall message is the usual ‘Christians are being persecuted for their beliefs’ bullshit we’re all sick of hearing.”

    While the e-mail in question was probably written by a 13 year old, your response seems to negate itself. Your attitude is the attitude of the majority of the secular left, all Christians are full of bullshit, Christians are close minded, Christians are oppressive. Your claim against persecution is in fact an attack on Christians.

    Now, I’m always confused on the distinction, is this ironic or just coincidental?

  3. OK, well I thought I was being pretty charitable. I said that people who would find that particular email valid are dumb, but I really went out of my way to state that most of the Christians I know are not like that.

    I think the idea that religion being excluded from federally-funded public schools is somehow “persecution” is ridiculous. That was my point.

    Why is something like “the separation of church and state” given such little stead while a vaguely-worded amendment mentioning “militias” and “a free state” is taken as being written in stone?

    Here’s the deal: I am in no position to oppress anybody. This is a stupid comedy blog.

    I’m not attacking “Christians”. I’m attacking Christians who want to create an environment of perceived hostility against their faith in order to stir up people to their cause. There’s plenty of real hostility towards them, why not use that?

    If you’re confused about the distinction between irony and things that are merely coincidental, I suggest you read this link.

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