Clueless Movie Review – King Kong

(0 Stars) Let me just say that this movie SUCKED BALLS.

Let me also say that I haven’t seen it yet, but that’s hardly important. I made a vow that I wouldn’t go and see it unless the monkey lives at the end. I heard he doesn’t. So I know at least one filthy Australian who won’t be getting my 9 bucks: Jesse Jackson.

As much as I enjoyed the Lord of the Rings and his other movie the Chronicle (What? LOL) of Narnia, I am giving a big thumbs down to King Kong. Look, I saw the original and that thing sucked too. Those special effects were awful, they looked like they were straight out of the 1930’s or something. And black and white? That’s so over-played. “Hey, I’ve got some artsy fartsy movie about the Holocaust or Frankenstein and I think it’ll make it more interesting if I do it in black and white.” WRONG.

Parlor tricks and film-school pretensions do not a blockbuster make. From what I’ve seen in the previews, this movie is just a big ripoff of the Steve Spielberg classic, “Jurassic Parks 1 and 2”. Dinosaurs? Please, didn’t Barney take the wind out of the “T-Rex as evil-doer” convention once and for all? Plus I could totally see the zipper for the guy’s monkey suit.

The one bright spot of this movie, humor-wise, seems to be the hilarious savages who inhabit Monkey Island. I laughed my ass off at these coconut heads. Ooga booga, indeed!

Sure, I’ll probably break down and RENT this movie sometime next year, because I’ve never been one to keep up my promises or follow-through on my convictions but I’m only going to see it because I’m sure that Tenacious D must do a song in it, at some point cuz I saw that their lead singer is in this. I’d just love to see those guys do a nifty, swingin’ jazz number with flappers and men in fur coats proclaiming “23 skidoo!” as they fall to their death on the Chrysler Building.

And speaking of “Rent”, that movie looks great! I saw a preview of that too where some puppets sing a song about AIDS and it looked pretty good, you could barely see the strings.

On a personal note, I want to wish everyone an early Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my Jew friends.


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