If a bear shits in the woods…


I’m not really sure how to end that. Anyway, have you seen these fucking commercials? Anybody? Anybody? It’s a family of animated bears hawking Charmin toilet paper.

I know taking a dump is a delicate issue in this country and the commercials need to dance around the fact that they’re advertising paper you wipe on your ass to clean up fecal matter, but let’s fucking grow up here.

IT’S POOP. EVERYBODY DOES IT. THERE’S EVEN A BOOK THAT ATTESTS TO THAT FACT.

Yet they still feel the need to call it “toilet tissue” as if your ass is sneezing or something. What the fuck?

So you get these commercials where cartoon characters with no genitals or even an ass crack talk about shitting in the woods. Apparently it’s ok (even cute) if animals do it.

The result is (to normal people) much, much worse than the truth. You get a teenage bear gleefully pulling on a roll of tp with reckless abandon saying “I’m gonna need all this!”

Am I the only one who thinks that’s gross? In case you missed it, the bear is saying, “I’m gonna take an enormous shit!” And don’t bears take like 15 pound poops? How is this better than someone coming out and being honest and saying “our toilet paper feels soft when you’re wiping your ass?”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all for the awful, gory details. I’m glad the liquid they use in tampon commercial demonstrations is blue. I don’t want to see people actually taking a dump but I also don’t want to see cartoon bears doing it either. Toilet paper is all basically the same anyway. Why do they need to advertise for this?

And continuing my trend of throwing in random thoughts that don’t have anything to do with the main point of my blog, next time you’re bitching about paying 14 bucks for a ticket at the Arclight, think of me, sitting in the dark in a shitty theater in Florida trying to watch Harry Potter while some spoiled dipshit keeps kicking the back of my chair and some old geezer has the whole movie explained to him by his 400 year old wife in a normal speaking voice. Uh oh, my kid has to go to the bathroom, better announce it loudly to the rest of the theater, after all, Eric COULD ALMOST HEAR THE FUCKING MOVIE FOR THREE SECONDS.

Ok, I’m done.

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