Ms. Pacman Speaks Out Against Abortion


PACLAND – Former 80’s video game icon and Born Again Christian, Ms. Pacman, has come out in favor of a constitutional ban on abortion.

“I think it’s murder, plain and simple,” she said to a small gathering of reporters outside her home in suburban Pacland.

Ms. Pacman made headlines in the eighties with her outrageous behavior and numerous run-ins with the law. She split from longtime companion, Pacman, and was rumored to have been pregnant with his child at some point in time. There was even speculation that her termination of the pregnancy was a contributing factor in the split. Ms. Pacman confirmed these rumors, admitting that she did have an abortion.

“It’s true, I’m a baby-killer,” an emotional Ms. Pacman stated, “but I, with help from the Love of Jesus, have come to see the error of my ways. Millions of innocent children are being butchered each year and I intend to put a stop to it. I urge this administration not to cave to the pressures of the liberal, Jewish-controlled media and stand up for what they and the majority of decent, God-fearing Americans believe: that abortion is wrong!”

When reached for comment, Pacman seemed to dismiss Ms. Pacman’s statements as just another ploy for attention. “S—t, that b—ch is crazy. Yeah, I knocked her up. Then she found out I was cheating on her with Winky the Ghost and to “get back at me”, she goes and has an abortion. Where was her Jesus then? My guess is she’s probably looking for money.”

This is not the first time Ms. Pacman and abortion have made the news. In the early 90’s, Ms. Pacman came forward with allegation that the ghosts she made millions of dollars devouring in front of her adoring fans were actually the lost souls of aborted fetuses, though, at the time, she was highly in favor of this practice.

Now Ms. Pacman seemed particularly repentant about her earlier actions. “Killing babies is wrong, but eating their souls is even worse. That’s something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. I only hope those poor little devils are at peace, somewhere inside my stomach or intestinal region. Or if they’ve been pooped out, hopefully they are swimming freely with the dolphins in the ocean. But if they aren’t—“

Ms. Pacman was then urged to stop speaking by her lawyer.

The White House had no comment on her statements.

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