Give me a dollar


I’ve invented a new salutation.

“Give me a dollar”.

Instead of saying “hi” or “what’s up?” when you greet your chum, just say “give me a dollar”.

That’s what I do. I think now that it’s the go-go 80’s and everybody is obsessed with money and greed, what better way to keep your finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist than by cutting right to the chase and telling your friends what you really want from them?

If you’re like me, you’re too busy Jazzercising and doing coke to waste time with pleasantries. I want to make my first million before I’m 31 and I’ve gotta get my ass into some Dockers, get down to the office and start trading junk bonds on my Apple IIe.

That means speed, efficiency and bluntness. “Give me a dollar”. So elegant in its simplicity, yet free from the coarseness and vulgarity of “Get out of my way, bitch”.

Man, I feel so alive! I just wanna write a novel or help starving children in Africa or re-arrange my whole tape collection. Something, you know?

Bah! This is wasted on you people. You’re not even alive. You don’t know what I know. You don’t see what I see. You’re fucking pawns in some pathetic game. It’s like a sick joke.

I’m like fucking Jesus Christ here. I try and help you, set you free and how do you repay me? You nail me to a fucking cross. It’s the same story throughout history, repeated ad nauseum: Caesar, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr. They try and take people to a whole different level and it blows peoples’ minds. The weak get scared when you take them out of their comfort zone.

Fuck it. Enjoy mediocrity, dicks. Like Elton said, “You can’t plant me in your penthouse / I’m going back to my plough”. But I’ll go back, knowing that, at least for a little while, I tried. I took a shot.

Goddamit, will someone shut that fucking baby up?

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3 comments

  1. Looking back, nearly 2 years later, do you think being so brusk with people is really how you get ahead in life, Eric? No….look at you now. Still asking for dollars…or is it really you asking for your wasted youth back?

    Think about it….

    And the baby symbolizes you….never shutting the fuck up. My god, man!

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