Do you think they do farts too?

This is real, it’s not a joke site.

Yes, it’s the “Breath Capture Tube”. Or, as some people call it, “just a regular tube”.

Or is it?

According to the site:

Breath Capture is a patent-pending method and apparatus for collecting human breath as a keepsake display.

Oh! Well, that changes everything. I thought this was just a scam preying on stupid people by exploiting everyones’ natural fear of death and loss. I mean, if this was just a cheap 15 cent tube that you could get at any medical supply store, that would be horrible, but luckily, this is not like that at all. This is a patent-pending method and apparatus for collecting human breath as a keepsake display!

What kind of brave and noble people would invent such an innovative device?

Breath Capture is a small company with a big heart. We’re here to spread love around the world. More love can’t be a bad thing. Right? It only takes two people. Two people, with an undying friendship or love for each other. That’s it. Pretty soon, the love starts spreading.

“The love starts spreading”. Like bird flu. Which is a by-product of “breath”. So maybe if everyone breathes their bird flu into these Breath Capture apparatuses, we can rid the world of bird flu.

I think this is a wonderful holiday gift idea and I think a few of you reading now can look forward to receiving your own Breath Capture devices (though probably not the 20 dollar ones they sell on this site), but then again, why stop there? My bird flu prevention idea is literally just one of millions of potential uses for this product. You could even use them as test tubes for scientific or medical purposes!

They’re on to something here, something big. I have to go call my stockbroker and see if they’ve gone public. If they are, the only thing I suggest is that they change their slogan from “Those you hold dear. Always near,” to something catchier like “Save your breath!” or “Tweeter: for times like these”. I don’t think McDonald’s is using “Food, Folks and Fun” anymore, they should grab that one.

Goddamit, why can’t I think of shit like this? I wish I was creative.


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