The time I fucked Kelly Clarkson


I know I joke around and make stuff up alot on this webpage, but this is an actual true story about the time I, Eric Filipkowski, fucked American Idol Pop Superstar, Kelly Clarkson.

I’m not here to brag, though I know a lot of you probably would. I’m not proud of what I did. I thought nobody would get hurt. Actually, that’s not true, I didn’t care if anybody got hurt. All I thought about was myself.

Well believe me, I fucked her good. I’m not gonna get into the details but for those three minutes and fifty eight seconds, I was in heaven. But once it was over, I immediately felt like shit.

The guilt had set in. What had I done? I was dirty. I needed a shower. Normally I don’t go around fucking people I’ve never met before. I know everybody says that but it’s true, in this case.

Well that’s my story. I haven’t talked to her about it but if she’s out there, I hope she knows I’m sorry and that I will never fuck her again.

You know, now that I’m reading this over, I’m a little worried that people might get the wrong idea. When I say I “fucked” Kelly Clarkson, I didn’t mean to imply we had relations. I don’t use the f-word to describe that action, I call it “making love”.

No, I meant that I fucked her over by illegaly downloading her hit song “Breakaway” without paying for it. Once I did it, I immediately deleted it and then downloaded it off of iTunes as reparations. This is the one and only time I ever did this so don’t come after me if you’re in the RIAA.

Oh and by the way, I did also made love to Kelly Clarkson on several occasions. But only in the butt.

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26 comments

  1. “Oh and by the way, I did also made love to Kelly Clarkson on several occasions. But only in the butt”

    I hope you washed the Shit off of your Dick afterwards.

  2. Right. You are not bragging, but you “f***ed her good” and you leave your full name. She is beautiful. I would take 2 hours with her if I had the chance. You’re an idiot!

  3. Two hours?!?! Holy shit, man! I hope that time frame includes about one hour and fifty nine minutes of cuddling! Jesus! What else can you do for all that time?

  4. I hate to tell you this, Eric (and I really shouldn’t, because she told me it was confidential, and she’d never, ever tell anyone else), but Kelly said that since you been gone, she can breathe for the first time. She’s SO movin’ on.

    oh, also:

    “No, I meant that I fucked her over by illegaly downloading her hit song “Breakaway” without paying for it. Once I did it, I immediately deleted it and then downloaded it off of iTunes”

    I hope you washed the Shit out of your Ears afterwards.

  5. I just thought it was interesting that Jack capitalized both the words “Shit” and “Dick”. Now, I can understand “Dick”, because it can be a proper name. Was that the intent here? And what of “Shit”? Is it possible that Jack inadvertently captalized “Shit” on this occasion because he is so used to doing so because he is actually the oft heard of but rarely spotted Jack Shit?

    Personally, I would have asked if you wiped the “Hoog” off your “Skin-Boat”.

    Your welcome, M.

  6. He could have been talking a shit & at the moment he wrote the word “Shit”, he was pushing hard. But then why didn’t he write pushing instead? People fascinate me, maybe that’s why I Hate them… :||

  7. I turned down Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul & Mary. He then made me scrambled eggs and rye toast. True story, albeit one from 1969.

  8. Pingback: silver shoes

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