The new “what chu’ talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”


OK, well maybe it’s more like the new “Kiss my grits!” but fuck it, I’m not going back and re-typing all that.

ANYWAY, as you well know, most of my posts are political in nature and politics can be very polarizing and controversial. I consider myself a moderate, but in this day and age, even moderation can piss people off.

In one of my recent posts, I must have caught someone’s ire, because they left me this comment (anonymously, of course):

“I’m going to give out your address to a child molester chat group!”

There was some other stuff about me and my mother and a duck, I think, but whatever.

Pretty random and fucked up, huh? Or so I thought. I told myself this was just the lunatic ravings of a lonely weirdo but then I was parking my car in the Subway parking lot when an enfeebled septuagenarian pulls right into my spot with no blinker or anything. So I decided to point out his mistake to him in a kindly fashion.

“Hey geri, that was my spot. That’s what my fucking blinker meant: that I was gonna pull into that spot you just rolled up on.”

He was totally parked all crooked and shit, too. He gets out of his car with his cane, gives me the stink eye and as he’s hobbling away he shouts over his shoulder, “I’m going to give out your address to a child molester chat group!”

I should have run that fucker down, but I was just too stunned. I had almost convinced myself that he could have been the same “anonymous” who posted on my blog, but then it happened AGAIN later in the day and this time it was a woman. A mother of two little kids, no less! Plus, old people can’t use computers or the internet.

What the fuck, right? I mean, first of all, it’s a pretty idle threat, seeing as I don’t even have any kids. Sure, I don’t want a bunch of child molesters coming to my house, but how the hell would these people know my address anyway? But it’s just so fucked up that anybody would say that, let alone have it catch on and be the new hot comeback in society. I guess it’s another testament to the crazy times we live in.

Just to make sure we’re clear here, these people are saying, “OK pal, you pissed me off, now I’m going to try and have your kids get molested.” Maybe they don’t intend to follow through, but still, just the sentiment is bad enough. It’s really disgusting, if you think about it. What did I do to them that was so bad? Cut them off? Insult their Christian beliefs? Punch them in the face for taking the last bag of Cool Ranch Doritos? Relax, people!

To counteract all this negativity, I’m going to try and start my own comeback and hope it catches on. So the next time someone angers me, I’m going to say “Hey Mr. Wisenheimer, you really cheesed me off! The heck with you!”

It’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And the best part is, I get my point across without wishing that anybody’s kids will get molested. And that’s important.

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