The solution to all my problems

So lately I’ve been trying to figure out my return to Los Angeles. My main problem is finding a place to live. I wasn’t really sure what to do. The problem is, I can’t just go out to LA and crash with friends til I secure my own place.

It’s not for lack of offers, my friends have been really generous, offering me places to stay and all that, but you see, when your body gets sawed open and your ribs are pried apart by a machine and then bent back together, sometimes you have a hard time sleeping at night. I have enough trouble sleeping on a bed, let alone a couch.

I don’t know, the general consensus seems to be that this is all bullshit and I’m just stalling, but whatever.

So, in light of my recent troubles, I have decided to postpone my return to Los Angeles indefinitely. Instead, I am going to go apartment hunting on Main Street, U.S.A.

Yes, I’m moving to Disneyworld.

I know, it’s probably really expensive, but there’s gotta be a studio there for cheap, right? Hell, I don’t even need a kitchen, I don’t cook. Plus I can just go to Adventureland and get a burger at the Pecos Bill Cafe if I get hungry.

You know how they say “location, location, location”, well I’m just extending this theory to it’s logical conclusion. What better location can you think of than Main Street, U.S.A.? You can’t think of one, cuz there is none. Disneyworld is the best place on earth. I was thinking something right over the magic shop might be nice. It’s probably quieter than over the ice cream shop cuz everyone hates magic and nobody goes in there.

Originally I was planning on new construction, maybe on Tom Sawyer’s Island but I began to see that as being cost-prohibitive. And while it might be cool to live on an island, who really wants to take a raft to work every morning? I guess I could probably get a canoe or a jetski or something but still, that sounds like a pain in the ass. And kind of lonely. Part of the reason I’m moving to Disneyworld is so I never have to be alone again so isolating myself in a remote part of the park would really be counter-productive.

I also considered areas in Tomorrowland and Frontierland but they’ve become somewhat blighted and over-ridden with nouveau riche, respectively.

So, in summation, you can all kiss my ass. I am going to be pro-active and live my dream of cutting myself off completely from the real world forever. Roll out the red carpet, Mickey, cuz here I come!



  1. You should move to the World Showcase at Epcot. They allow booze! Plus, you don’t want to deal with rush-hour traffic on Autopia. Trust me. Bumper-to-bumper four-year-olds and Luther Vandross singing “Whole New World” on your drive-time radio? No thank you.

  2. Why don’t you come live with me in my studio apartment in St. Paul, Minnesota? We can go to the Mall of America and I’ll buy you stuffed animals to sleep with and I’ll get you an extra long Temper-Pedic mattress because you are really tall and those mattresses are really comfy. How’s that sound?

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