I don’t know if you’re on Myspace or what, but I am. One of the more annoying things about Myspace is that there are 8 million fucking bands on there, trying to get noticed by people and they harass you all the time.
Example #1: “Blue Judy“.
I’m not going to link them, cuz I don’t want to give them any more free publicity or encourage them in anyway. And let me be up front about this: I’ve never listened to their music. They could be awesome. I don’t know. They could be better than the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Ashley Simpson all rolled up into one. I don’t care.
In case your wondering about my musical math, Ashley Simpson cancels out the Rolling Stones completely, but that still equals “better than the Beatles” and that’s not too shabby.
I probably get five messages a week from these guys, inviting me to go to their shows or be on their friends list. “Oh really, Blue Judy has a new single? All I have to do is click this one link and I can listen to it? It’s really good and only takes a few minutes of my time? Really?”
I have a theory about unsigned bands, they all suck. If they didn’t, they would be signed. Makes sense, right?
You know what I like best about Fiona Apple? She has a record deal. If I need to know what kind of music to listen to, the good people at Sony/Epic Records will tell me where to turn. That’s what the billions of dollars a year the record industry spends on marketing and advertising is for.
And yet, you want me to give your music a listen while you haven’t spent a dime to do it? I think not, commie. This is America.
Another annoying thing about Myspace is, as far as I know, you can’t block messages from individual users. Cuz if you could, believe me, these guys would be #1 on my list!
Would they, Eric? Would they?
What do you mean?
Well you’re not being entirely truthful here, are you?
I told people I hadn’t listened to their music.
That’s not what I meant.
You know. Myspace gives you the ability to block bands from sending you messages.
Oh. Right. Well, the thing about that is, I actually know a few people who have bands on Myspace and I don’t want to piss them off.
You don’t want to piss people off? Yeah, that sounds like you.
What are you getting at?
Oh come on. It’s so obvious, it’s a joke. Every single person who is reading this blog realizes that you like being annoyed. If you weren’t annoyed, you wouldn’t have anything to write about.
Whatever, that’s crazy talk.
Is it? Then why do you keep reading the blogs of rich, spoiled sluts who can’t write and aren’t funny yet have millions of faithful readers solely because they’re semi-hot girls who write about their sex lives in graphic detail?
I think they provide an insightful look into the mind of the modern-day woman and her sexual practices.
I see. Well I gotta go.
Where are you going?
To Sonic Burger.
What? Since when do they have a Sonic Burger around here?
They don’t. I’m in Wisconsin.
What the hell are you doing in Wisconsin?
Um, I’m visiting the Mall of America.
The Mall of America? Isn’t that in Minnesota?
I don’t know. Look, things just aren’t working out between us.
What? I can change.
Yeah, look, I gotta go. Bye.
So in summation, all these bands suck and should just give up.