My commercial audition!

So, I’m an “actor” of sorts and I have a commercial agent (for now). Obviously, I haven’t gone on any auditions in the last seven months while I’ve been recovering from heart surgery, but I didn’t go on too many before that anyway.

You would think my look would get me tons of work, but oddly enough, no. The last audition I went on was for a Wendy’s commercial and in retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t get it, cuz I wouldn’t have been able to shoot it anyway. Then Wendy’s would be mad at me and I really like their chicken nuggets.

You may remember this commercial, probably not. It’s about a guy who wants one of the two chicken sandwiches his buddy has. He then lists all the times he did this guy a favor and they slowly escalate, becoming more and more absurd. Finally, in the end, his friend gives him a chicken sandwich and they call it even. The guy who got the job looks strangely like me but a little fatter.

The thing that pissed me off about this commercial is that this guy’s performance was way over the top. I have a lot of actor friends who always tell me, “do exactly what the director says, that way you show them that you can take direction well and they will appreciate that.” Good advice, right? Well the thing is, the director doesn’t cast the commercial. The ad execs do. And if you’ve ever watched a commercial, they like “big”.

So I go in there for my second callback and I give a subtle, nuanced performance that got laughs and applause from the assembled watchers. Great, right? Well fatty fat fat goes in there screaming and yelling and gets the job. I’m only assuming that’s what he did but judging by the finished product, I’m pretty sure I’m right.

Actually, there could be another reason I didn’t get the job. They had a pile of buns that were substituting for the chicken sandwich. They were stale and had been sitting there all day and the director said, “Don’t really eat them, just pretend cuz we’ve only got five left.” Well, I was hungry so I took a bite. But that couldn’t be the reason cuz I got another callback after that. No, it must be that I was too subtle.

So next audition I go on, I’m gonna do what the director says and get the callback but as soon as I’m in the room with the ad people I’m gonna go “big”. That way, they’ll say, “oh he’s pro-active and in your face!” and give me the job.

Don’t eat the bun? I’ll eat all the fucking buns. I’ll take the whole pile and smoosh them in my mouth at once. I’ll knock over the table and do a handstand. I’ll ad lib lines about how I’m so “aggro” and Wendy’s is the only place for an extreme sports enthusiast like myself.

Better yet, I’ll take the buns, throw them on the fucking floor, pull down my pants and take a dump on them. Then I’ll pick up one of the buns, wipe my ass with it and eat it.

Too much?



  1. Hey, did you piss Steph off too? I notice she doesn’t come around anymore. Perhaps she grew tired of your passive aggressive attempts to “bed her” right here on your blog.

    Seriously, though, you’ve been removed from her blog roll and everything. Did you steal a funny caption contest, young man? Did she grow tired of waiting for you to reciprocate with a link to her blog? … Because I know how painful that can be.

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