Start planning my sexy party!

That’s right, all my idle threats of the last few months are about to come true. I’m planning my triumphant return to Los Angeles for the first or second week in November!

Now, the way I see it, I did everyone a huge favor by not dying so YOU OWE ME. Also, you all weaseled out of getting me a birthday present, but I figure I’ll be nice and let that slide if you help with the planning of my sexy party.

What is this ‘sexy party’, you ask? It’s simple. I have attached a blue print above. Basically I will be playing the part of Stewie. Only I am much taller in real life. So someone will need to get me a captain’s hat.

Other things you can do for me (since you asked): Find me an apartment. I am looking for something under a thousand a month. Either a single or a one-bedroom. I don’t need much. I am willing to trade ‘size’ for ‘good location’ or ‘central air’ or ‘parking’. Hopefully all three. By the way, you should know this, but I’m not the kind who considers ‘good location’ to mean ‘trendy new area still mostly populated by gang members’.

So there you go, soon I will be back and you can all celebrate. It’s been a long six or seven months but I thank everyone for their support. I would have gone crazy without you. Seriously, there’s nothing to do here. And my parents beat me.

My dad is still angry that I’ve failed as a ventriloquist, as it was always his dream and he wanted to live vicariously through me. You know what, though? I’ve forgiven him. Because I see it’s not really me that he hates. It’s himself. He sees me failing just the way he did and it’s like he’s going through the most painful part of his life all over again. Papa, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry and I love you.



  1. Good luck, man.

    And when you finally make the big time with those Animals from the Future and whatnot, hire me to drive you around town. I’m an excellent driver.

    Or, cast me in the role of grumpy middle-aged cat with a keen sense of smell.

    All those months in RI. Be sure to leave the stupid accent on the tarmac.

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