I invented a superhero!


Move over Superman, “Mininum Wage Chicken” is here!

For too long, superheroes have been strictly for the rich. Look at Batman, that guy’s a billionaire. And Christopher Reeve? His wheelchair alone cost a million dollars. What do paralyzed people do when they don’t have Robin Williams to pay their medical bills?

I’ll tell you what: they go on Medicaid.

The lesson here is simple. If you’re poor, superheroes don’t care about you. Think about it, when has Spiderman ever saved you from anything? I’m guessing he hasn’t. And I’m also guessing you’re not super rich. Coincidence? I bet somebody’s even tried to convince you that superheroes aren’t real, haven’t they? I’ve got news for you, those people were paid to spread those lies by rich people, hell-bent on not sharing their superheroes with you.

Enter Minimum Wage Chicken. Finally, a superhero for the rest of us. He uses his super powers to save only the poor. And he’s poor too. He only makes minimum wage. So he can’t afford a lot of fancy gadgets, he doesn’t have a cool car and he can’t fly.

No wait, maybe he’s rich but he only saves people who are on minimum wage? Like if there’s a bus full of rich people about to fall off a bridge, he would just turn his head and whistle like he couldn’t see them and then be like “Oh shit, woops, my bad!” No, that’s no good either.

Look, I’ll be honest with you, I’ve got nothing here. Come to think of it, Minimum Wage Chicken is probably a really stupid idea for a superhero. I guess the lesson here is I am stupid.

What am I saying? Now I sound like that awful, self-hating Minimum Wage Chicken. Pretending he’s above saving the lives of innocent rich people when he probably has more money than all of them combined!

No, I think the real lesson here is that poor people don’t deserve their own superhero. They should stop being so greedy and just wait their turn. When the superheroes are done saving the rich people they’ll get to you, Timmy McWelfare. So just shut your trap, Low-Income Sally. And you too, Johnny Debtsalot.

If you earned more money or had rich parents, your problems would be worth solving, that’s why you’re “insolvent”. It’s a real word, I didn’t make it up.

So, in summation, I think now that people have had time to let the excitement die down and pause for some serious reflection, they will agree with me that Star Wars: Episode III is not as good as people initially thought.

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3 comments

  1. Come on, what about that fight scene only inches above molten lava where no one felt the effects of thousands of degrees just beneath their feet? Oscar!

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