Murder for pizza

So today my mom is bringing home pizza and I asked my dad, “When is Mom getting home?”

Then I rephrased that to say what I really meant: “When is the pizza getting here?” Because I’m a really bad son.

My dad replied that I was a mercenary and pizza is my currency. Usually he’s not so poetic but I think he’s getting sentimental cuz he knows I’ll be leaving soon. Anyway, it got me thinking.

I replied, “I would definitely kill someone for pizza.” At first I was joking, then I realized this was actually true.

Am I going to go shoot somebody at Papa Gino’s (it’s an east coast thing) in the face and steal a pie? No. But imagine this: imagine a magical being comes up to you and says, “I will bring you a hot delicious pizza but in accepting it, some random person in India or China somewhere will die.”

I know what you’re thinking, “No way, I’d never do that, that’s awful!” But let’s pursue this a little further. Say this magical being assures you that no one will ever know what you’ve done. Maybe you’re really hungry and it’s a pizza from your favorite pizza place when you were a kid. Let’s even throw this in: the guy who’s gonna die is really old and has had a full and rewarding life and basically he’s just gonna die in his sleep and all his family will be thankful he went peacefully surrounded by the people he loved. Or he was suffering from cancer and he would have died later in the day anyway.

You’re telling me you wouldn’t do it? You’re a fucking liar! There’s six billion people on this planet and everybody loves pizza. Just admit it. OK, you admit it?

Well unfortunately for you, it doesn’t matter what the conditons are because any way you slice it, you’re a murderer. You are the mechanism of someone’s death and there’s no way you can escape that fact.

I was just kidding when I said I would do it. I’m a much better person than you. Oh man, I tricked you good! You totally fell for it!



  1. i would totally do it. in cold blood and everything. but then again, I’m pregnant. I think i could get off of a lengthy jail sentence on that fact alone. give me pizza or give you death…

  2. I’d do it. It’s PAPA GINO’S, man.

    I can totally see the TV campaign for this: The defendant pleading “Papa Gino’s” … a “definitely not guilty” from the Jury … The smiling judge with a piece of Pizza in one hand, gavel in the other …

    Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmurder.

  3. Dude, pizza…. I would do just about anything for pizza, with the few homo-erotic acts being the exception. No offense cher I might even fight a pregnant woman for a slice. Uh, on second thought that might not be wise either, nevermind that last sentence.

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