I hate hi5 and all the stupid jerks on it (except Mary)


You guys are all a bunch of dicks.

How long has this been going on, huh? I’m talking to YOU Joe, Tim, Ed, Lindsay, Todd and Mike Busch.

Was there some big mass email that you all sent around, “Don’t tell Eric about hi5, it’s like friendster and myspace but it’s better cuz Eric’s not on it! Let’s have a big party to celebrate him being completely unaware of our treachery, we’ll invite everyone and he won’t even know cuz he’s in Rhode Island because he’s a big stupid dummy. Let’s get a pinata that looks like him and we’ll fill it full of pickles so that when we break it, pickles will fly everywhere and remind us of how much we hate Eric”?

I hate you all, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Picking on an innocent young boy with heart problems like this. Really? Is this how your mothers raised you?

In case you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about because you also have a bunch of jerk friends who don’t want to include you in their secret club, as well, there is a new “friend networking site” called hi5. as far as I can tell, it’s exactly the same as the other ones, except it has less people on it. That way, the people who are there, can feel superior to the people who aren’t and then when it gets popular, they can say things like “Oh, this place is lame now. I remember when it was cool, back before Eric joined.”

Then they will sit around the pool sipping martinis and smoking cigarettes with those big, long cigarette holders that Phyllis Diller would always have when she would be on Scooby Doo. They’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and congratulate each other on a job well done. Perhaps they’ll even lobby the people who run the site to change the name from “hi5” to “Donttellericaboutthisplacecuzhesucksandhewillruinit.com”.

Yes, well I’ve got news for you, dickbags. I’m here to spoil your fun! I’m going to write you 15 obnoxious testimonials each. I’m going to comment on all your pictures with snide remarks like “Oh wow, you were so much skinnier before you got that abortion”. You’ll get a hundred messages a day saying I updated my profile and put up a new journal post and added more pictures.

So, in summation: PARTY’S OVER.

You lose.

Good day, sir.

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