The Fish Who Couldn’t Swim

(This is a repost, by request of Joe. If you want to read the original story with all the pictures I drew, go here.)

Tommy the fish was not like other fish. Oh, he looked the part with the tail, the fins, the gills and whatnot, but unlike most fish, Tommy couldn’t swim. See, it’s bad enough when a person can’t swim, but Tommy was a fish and therefore spent his whole life underwater. So basically, he was screwed.

While all the other fish would swim around and have a good time, poor Tommy would just flop around at the bottom of the tank. All the other fish would tease Tommy and call him a retard. They all suspected he was a little crybaby about it too, but luckily for Tommy, it’s really hard to tell if someone is crying underwater.

It’s not that Tommy was retarded, no, not at all. He was actually quite smart, he was just woefully uncoordinated. No matter how much he practiced, he couldn’t quite get the hang of that swimming thing. Tommy finally gave up and had just accepted his fate as the world’s only non-swimming fish when he was struck by a brilliant idea. He immediately set about dismantling the tank’s bubbler and filter and using some pebbles and other items, he started constructing a crude submarine. Given his limited mobility, this was no easy task, but Tommy stuck to it.

Finally, after several days, his creation was ready for a test run. Tommy managed to flop himself into the hatch and he shuddered with anticipation as he slowly put the submarine into ‘forward.’ Tommy was pleasantly surprised to find the submarine worked great. Soon he was zooming all around the tank with ease, passing the other fish as if they were standing still. They no longer had witty comments to make at his expense, they just sat there looking perplexed as the strange contraption motored past them. His test run complete, Tommy brought his submarine to a picture perfect landing on the bottom of the tank. The other fish crowded around the submarine to get a better look as Tommy clumsily emerged from the hatch.

“Holy shit, it’s Tommy!” said Pez, one of the more popular fish. They all moved in closer to pat Tommy on the back with their fins.

“Say, buddy,” said Pete, a large goldfish with unusual markings, “mind if I go for a spin with you since we’re such good friends and all?”

“No way, Tommy,” said Pez, “he told everyone that you’re gay, take me instead, I always stuck up for you.”

Soon there was quite a mob scene as all the fish tried to get a ride in Tommy’s fantastic new submarine. “Friends, friends,” said Tommy in a cocky voice, clearly enjoying his newfound popularity, “You’ll all get your turn, but be patient, there’s only room for one passenger at a time. And this time that passenger is Molly, the prettiest girl fish in the whole tank.”

Molly blushed and gracefully swam through the hatch, into the submarine. The other fish were green with envy, or maybe it was algae, but they could hardly blame Tommy for picking Molly, they would have done the same. They watched with jealous awe as the submarine sped off around the tank with ease, but then Tommy seemed to run into some trouble as the sub began to move erratically and then briefly came to a stop. But then it started up again and resumed it’s graceful trip.

When the sub again touched down on the bottom of the tank, everyone cheered, but this quickly stopped when Molly emerged from the hatch, sobbing and looking disheveled. She swam past the crowd into the murky water without saying a word. As Tommy emerged from the submarine, he also looked disheveled. He sheepishly told the crowd, “Broads, right? Go figure.” But the crowd wasn’t buying it.

Tommy was hauled off to fish jail to face charges of sexual assault. His court date was set for later that day, but sadly, Tommy was never brought to justice or even sodomized in his jail cell, since all the fish died because the bubbler was no longer running.

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