My note to the Tooth Fairy

This is a note my mother found from when I was a kid. Apparently I am telling the Tooth Fairy I want her to “add” (that’s add, not 92) more quarters when I sell her a tooth. That’s right: quarters.

What a cheap bitch. The Tooth Fairy must be fucking rich and all she could afford to give me was a few quarters? That’s ridiculous, I mean–

Wait a minute… I left that note for the Tooth Fairy, how the hell did my mom get it?


No, it couldn’t be. Could it?

Those fucking liars!

Excuse me, I have to go yell at my mom now.

No, just kidding, of course I know the Tooth Fairy isn’t real.

The story of how I found out is pretty interesting though…

I had this little weasel friend who used to ruin everything for me: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Jesus… Anyway, the Tooth Fairy was like the last piece of pure, childhood innocence I still possessed, but sure enough, good ol’ Tucker McGrath had to go and spoil that too.

This little bastard told me how he rigged up a string to a bell so when “The Tooth Fairy” moved his pillow, the bell would ring and wake him up. Only, he told me, it wasn’t the Tooth Fairy, it was his mom who was reaching for the tooth under his pillow, clutching a crisp five dollar bill in her hand (yeah, that shithead got five bucks!).

I thought he might have been bullshitting me so I decided to find out for myself. I rigged up a similiar contraption, only this time, I had set up a spring-loaded hypodermic needle I had found on my family vacation to Jones Beach under my pillow. I had been saving that fucker up for just the perfect occasion and this seemed appropriate.

Sure enough, that night I was awoken by the screams of my mother as she desperately tried to yank the dirty needle from her leg. If her yelling, “I’ve got AIDS!” over and over hadn’t done it, the sound of those two measly quarters she dropped falling on the ground would have woken me up anyway.

So that’s the true story of how I learned there was no Tooth Fairy and my parents are a bunch of liars who deserved to get whatever horrible bacteria or virus was lurking in that needle.

Oh and by the way, my mom only ended up getting a pretty bad staph infection that cleared up in a few months anyway, so relax.


  1. My “tooth fairy” was such a fucking cheapskate that by the time I was 13 and had to have my last tooth pulled, I demanded two cds. (I didn’t really need money because the dentist had already given me a bunch of drugs.)

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