Dear Grandma


I found this letter that I wrote to my grandmother when I was nine. Normally I don’t post this cutesy, adorable stuff but I couldn’t resist. This is just too precious!

Dear Grandma,

I had to send you this letter at school because my mom took away the first one. She said she wanted to “spare your feelings” and I’m a terrible grandsom and all that nonsense.

After receiving your last letter, I felt the need to address some issues. I think people don’t bring this shit up with you because they think “Oh, grandma’s an old lady, we shouldn’t upset her”. The result is you end up living in a bubble, protected from reality.

Well, I, your grandson, am here to tell you how it is. Nobody cares about your neighbor’s cat. Also, a dollar can’t buy shit these days, send twenties. Don’t tell us about the terrible gas you got from the pickled herring you ate, that’s gross. I know you come from a different time but when they taught us about the civil war in school, I don’t remember George Washington talking about his farts.

Most importantly, I wanted to discuss your English skills. I know you grew up in Switzerland or wherever, but that’s no excuse. Lots of foreigners learn English. The Mexican guy who does our garden for instance or Ping Wu at the Chinese restaurant. If they can learn English, why can’t you? It’s bad enough talking to you on the phone, I can barely understand you with that goddam accent of yours. But you would think when you take the time to sit down and write me a letter, you could at least consult a dictionary, if not “The Elements of Style”.

Contrary to what mother said, I’m not a monster. I’m not going to sit here and point out all your spelling and grammar mistakes, but trust me, they’re there. I know you probably think “Oh, I’m old, why should I bother improving myself at my age?” Sure, you don’t have to work cuz the government gives your lazy ass money for doing nothing but don’t you want to at least come across as a reasonably coherent person? At least on par with an intelligent ape or parrot?

If I have yet to convince you to do this for yourself, won’t you think of your family and the embarassment you cause us? Oh sure, the staff of the Olive Garden might think it’s “cute” when you want to order “Pisghetti with meaty bowls” but we don’t. It’s fucking humiliating. So crack open a fucking book or shut your goddam mouth, got it?

Love,
Eric

PS, my birthday is coming up soon. I want Voltron. Not a sweater.

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16 comments

  1. If that was you at age nine, you were a holy terror-but a hilarioius holy terror, so that’s all that really matters! =D

  2. Do you have any clue how hard it would be for grandma to carry around the Webster’s dictionary? Have you no compassion? I’m sure when you were 9, they weren’t making the Blackberry and finding the correct pronunciation of a word would have been decidedly more difficult. What is wrong with you? I’d like to see what your grandma’s response would have been to this letter. I’m sure she could have shed an interesting little light on being YOUR grandmother. A$$hole.

    And who theFf**K is VOLTRON?!

  3. Voltron was nothing but a second rate ripoff of another very popular 1980s series about giant robots saving the universe: “The Golden Girls.”

    Your grandma might remember that show. If it wasn’t for the Alzheimer’s, that is.

  4. Incedentally, my adoptive “gramdmother” used to say “I don’t come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth”. Then she would whip raw biscuits at everybody.

    You probably would have liked her, Eric..

  5. Eric–go ahead, ban me for my ignorance, I know where you live. I’ll get you my pretty.
    Scott–you can call me “grandma” if you want.
    Pit-Pat–those were her breasts.

  6. Oh man my grandma used to get so lonely she got this yappy little dog with only 3 legs to keep her company right. She was a very naughty lady and would get horny too right. Well she would take to rubbing peanut butter, of all things, on her thighs and leather regions and then that yappy dog would lick, lick, lick her to a creamy froth right. Well then this one time, as a self-present for her 91th birthday, grandma went down the basement, sprawled out onto the bed, rubbed the peanut butter, and the doggy was going to town right. Then suddenly the light switch came on and guess what ? it was us, her grandchildren come to give her a surprise birthday party. Of course, *we* were the ones surprised, right? yes! True story, LOL!!

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