I’m stalking a girl from college


When I was a freshman in college, I took this class that was supposed to mimic the process of writing a senior thesis, only the paper we wrote was only 25 pages. Well mine was, I think it was supposed to be at least 30 (thank you arial 13). Anyway, we had an ‘advisor’ who helped us out who was an older student who had done a thesis the year before. There were two of them, one of them was this guy named Logan who I would get into arguments with (on paper) about whether drugs expanded your mind or simply made you lazy and pretentious (that was my side). The other adviser, my adviser, was this super hot chick named Sue. Not only was she super hot, she was also super smart and super nice. She was super! She was also the first woman to sit on my bed in my room when we were alone with the door locked. I don’t count those ‘girls’ from my floor, sure, at one point they probably sat on my bed but they were just friends and they were all skanks. Just kidding guys!

So anyway, I was having some trouble with my thesis which was that pain and suffering lead to knowledge or something high-fallutin’ like that so Sue agreed to meet in my room to discuss this with me. I made sure every guy from my floor would be around so I could parade her down the hall from the elevator. Boy were those dicks jealous. It was sweet, she sat on my bed and gave me advice about god knows what and then she left. She also told me I was really smart and a good writer. Which of course to a horny 18 year old loser means “I want to be your girlfriend”. And she was, every single night. Of course I only “physically” saw her a few more times but I’ve always got my memories. Oh and the best part was once she left, all the girls on my floor were like “Oh she’s such a skank” and “she’s a cage dancer at some club, that’s nasty”.

So now to present day, I’ve tried looking her up on the internet and I think I found something about her. She does weird alternative movies and stuff, but I can’t find her email. I want to write her and rekindle our torrid love affair that never happened. I know the fact that I’m poor and haven’t accomplished jack shit in the 8 years since I’ve graduated college would really impress her. This is what I think our conversation would go like if we had one:

Me: Hello, Susan? This is Eric–

Sue: Filipkowski, Eric Filipkowski. I’ve been waiting for you to call.

Me: You have?

Sue: Yes, I knew it would only be a matter of time before you tracked me down. What we shared was too important to throw away. Even after all this time, I still have intense feelings for you.

Me: Really? Even after 8 years?

Sue: Yes, why don’t I come visit you, we can look for a house together?

Me: Whoa, a house? I don’t have that kind of money.

Sue: It’s OK, I’m rich. And still beautiful. Eric, honey, I just want to be together.

Me: Really? Cuz I was thinking we’d just get some lunch or something–

Sue: I feel like my life is really just starting now. At this very moment.

Me: Uh huh. What? Oh, OK mom, I’ll be right there. Say Sue, it was great talking to you, good luck with everything, I have to go.

*click*

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2 comments

  1. I agree that it is pretty hilarious. I don’t remember you. Anyway my dad googled me and found this and it took me a long time to explain to him why he shouldn’t actually be worried that I was actually being stalked. Since it isn’t on your list of favorite entries maybe you can just delete it so my dad can sleep better.

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