Let’s invade the ’90’s

It’s time we pull out of Iraq and focus our resources on something more worthwhile. The scientists who have continually failed to deliver on promises of flying cars, personal robots and color television should band together to invent a working time machine. Why is this suddenly so important? Cuz the 90’s suck. We should all go back and invade the 90’s. I am ready to kick my own ass. I think I can because I have a.) the element of surprise and 2.) the foreknowledge that the 90’s me has an aneurysm in his aortic arch. So I will surprise me and then punch me in the neck. Hopefully, rendering me dead. Trust me, that guy has it coming. I remember what a weiner I was, with my long hair, fumbling with a guitar cuz I wanted to have a ‘band’. Wake up dickhead, comedy is where it’s at. Stop spending hours in pearl jam chat rooms on the internet. Go out and take an improv class. You’re stupid! I remember one time in the pearl jam chat room, I called someone fat or something so they said they were going to “sue” me for slander. I got all upset cuz I figured, “hey, it could happen”. Idiot! If I had taken an improv class back then, I’d be like ten years ahead of where I am now. Which, admittedly, is nowhere, but still! It’s too bad I wasn’t so rash and killed my prior self, I probably should have just had a talk with him about his priorities and his own self-image because I think he always wanted to do this, he just thought he couldn’t. What a dick.


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