I blame that damn Jamie Lee Curtis

Lindsay Lohan, star of the world’s sexiest movie about underage twins seperated at birth one of whom has a British accent, The Parent Trap, must be pleased to see her father is in the news again.

As the divorce battle between the Freaky Friday star’s parents gains momentum, allegations have surfaced that her father, Michael Lohan, terrorized his family and threatened to kill them.

I know what you’re thinking, awesome, right? It gets better!

According to the documents, Michael Lohan, who has faced a number of well publicized run-ins with the law, told the family’s security guard that he had devised a plan to do away with his wife and children.

“O.J. Simpson has nothing on me,” Lindsay’s paternal figure allegedly told the guard last year. “I know exactly how I’m going to kill [them]. I know when I’m going to do it and I’m going to enjoy it.”

If his wife’s allegations are to be believed, referencing Simpson was something of a recurring theme for Michael Lohan.

According to the court documents, Michael Lohan told two family friends in fall 2003 that if he ever caught “Dina with another man, O.J. Simpson will have nothing on me.”

O.J. references! I love it! I only wish he had used O.J. as a verb, as in “I’m gonna O.J. you!”

Last May, per Dina Lohan’s petition, Michael Lohan tried to toss her down a flight of stairs and slammed her arm in a door before forcing her into the basement where he allegedly sodomized her against her will. No police report was ever filed on the incident.

In July, Dina Lohan alleges that Michael Lohan threw himself in front of her car in the family’s driveway and screamed to the couple’s two youngest children, “If Mommy leaves Daddy, I’m going to hang myself in the garage!”

Oh Michael Lohan, you really will do anything for a laugh, huh?

Last spring, he allegedly followed the family to a press junket in Los Angeles where he created a scene by chasing one of his children from the room and scaring another child and Lindsay’s publicist into taking shelter in a closet.

Wow, what a hoot. This guy gets my vote for life of the party AND father of the year.

But seriously, there’s nothing funny about vapor lock.


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