The human head weighs eight pounds

When Jerry Maguire came out, I used to go up to people and say that. Specifically women. When I would be drunk. Some would get it and laugh, usually in a patronizing way, but some were unfamiliar with the movie and would freak out. Like I’m sitting at home weighing heads or something? Why would I weigh a head when I could scoop out the yummy insides and have a delicious treat instead? That’s just stupid.
Speaking of that movie, you know the part where he’s all like “you make me want to be a better person?” Yeah, I hate that part too. I think it would be better if he said, “You make me want to to punch you in the face and put you in the trunk of my car and then crash my car into a tractor trailer and set it on fire and then put out the fire with my urine and then take the ashes and mix them into some flour and make biscuits and eat the biscuits and then poop out the biscuits and then flush the poop down the toilet and then be done with the whole thing.”
Ladies, I am currently taking applications to date me. Interested?

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5 comments

  1. You too, huh? I always use movie quotes when I’m hitting on women. Boy, did I get some ferocious tail when “The Passion of the Christ” came out. What a thong dropper!

  2. There is something richly ironic about a guy implicitly trying to trash a movie yet can’t even keep his movies straight. That particular quote (specifically, “You make me want to be a better man”) came from the movie As Good As It Gets, when Melvin was attempting to compliment Carol. The currency of your opinion, although retaining its entertainment value, fails to impress.

  3. Remember in November to vote for David Smart for Douchebag.

    *Paid for by the imaginary friends of David Smart.*

  4. Hey David Smart, I couldn’t agree more. Well, less, probably. Speaking of famous movie quotes, did you ever see the movie Napolean Dynamite? That part where Jon Heder grabs that big gun and say’s “Say hello to my little friend!” Then he shoots all those people! Man, that was classic!

    By the way, Johnny Depp called, and he wants his look back.

    Remember in November to vote for David Smart for Douchebag.

    *Paid for by the imaginary friends of David Smart.*

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