Dear Words With Friends Cheaters

This is an open letter, not just to the cheaters I play with on Words With Friends (you know who you are), but to all the cheaters of the world.

To every male athlete who didn’t quite measure up, so he went and tucked his wiener into his shorts and competed as a woman.

To every BP exec who thought, “Eh, let’s just skip those safety inspections and go eat some baby dolphin stew instead!”

For all those kids who didn’t get enough attention from their fathers so they made up some bullshit story about these poor, innocent priests molesting them. Just kidding.

But most of all, this is for every lying, cheating, son of a bitch who decides that just because you can go on a website and look up all the possible combinations of words you can make with the letters you have, that it’s OK to do so.

Well, fuck you.

Now I’m not one for hyperbole, but you sir, are worse than Hitler.

And who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?

You didn’t graduate high school, you use the word ‘like’ fifteen times per sentence, but you know that a ‘teres’ is ‘either of two muscles passing below the shoulder joint from the scapula to the upper part of the humerus‘?

Sure you do, Hitler.

“Oh, I remember hearing that on the History Channel or something!”

Wrong.

You looked it up.

Just admit it, you lying, thieving, despicable excuse for a piece of monkey excrement.

Play the game. Or if you can’t deal with the fact that I am smarter and more well-versed than you, don’t play the game.

But don’t insult my (vastly superior) intelligence like that. At least make it believable.

You could have played ‘set’ for 23 points. That wouldn’t have aroused my suspicion, but you got greedy. So now you’ve got 42 points and my undying hatred, instead.

This might be hard to believe, but I have something of a rage problem and it is getting harder and harder for me to convince the AT&T store that my iPhones are getting smashed into a million pieces by simple, normal wear and tear and not the uncontrollable, violent spasms of a lunatic on his last nerve.

In closing, let us remember, it’s called Words With Friends. And friends don’t cheat. And the ones who do tend to get cancer and have sparsely-attended funerals.

Just saying.

26 comments

  1. Ha ha. Good stuff, Eric. Some of my favorite lines in this Open Letter:
    -“Now I’m not one for hyperbole, but you sir, are worse than Hitler.”
    -“So now you’ve got 42 points and my undying hatred, instead.”
    -“And friends don’t cheat. And the ones who do tend to get cancer and have sparsely-attended funerals.”

    Now I need to learn more about this game and how I can successfully cheat at it!

  2. this puts me in mind of the Bible, naturally. Specifically 2 Samuel, 6:14 – 23

    “David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might, while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouts and
    the sound of trumpets. As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a
    window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart.

    …”David said to Michal, ‘It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house
    when he appointed me ruler over the LORD’S people Israel–I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes.'”

    …”And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.”

    See, cheaters?

    1. Man, can’t you freaks give the fucking dumb bible shit a rest… Not everything relates to the bible. You all take shit way out of context, and consistently get everything the bible says wrong.. I’m tired and bored and going to bed. Read another book. There’s way better ones than the dumb bible.

  3. “Hyperbole”? Who’s the real cheater, Eric? And if I had a hundred dollars every time I heard you accuse a child of being worse than Hitler, I wouldn’t NEED to cheat on the SATs.

  4. Well I had the perfect verse in the bible to quote but Carol Hiller beat me to it…

    Instead, let me just say, now that I have an iPhone – all of my brain cells are on vacation. Or dead.
    When I signed over 20% of all of my future paychecks to pick up my iPhone, I didn’t realize that I never needed to use my own thoughts or logic ever again, but it’s AWESOME.

    Just like calculators were invented so that 12 years of standardized mathematical education could be easily flushed down the proverbial toilet, the iPhone can do the same with EVERYTHING! Hooray!

    What’s the quickest way to rent a golf cart and drive to California from Scranton, PA without hitting a toll? Got it!
    How do I limit my splash while attempting an inverted triple pike high dive? Thanks, phone!
    What’s the most convenient way to dispose of one to several bodies? CSI app only $1.99!

    With the iPhone, the world’s knowledge is at my finger/thumbtips. Now I’m the smartest guy I know- along with the other 200 billion plus iPhone toting Americans that partake in this splendid hive-mind Apple has created.

    So after years of not having an original thought, can you really blame me (us) for using our collective electronic brain rather than the now shapeless mass sloshing around in our skulls when it comes to games logic?

    Probably.

    I don’t actually disagree with you. Those cheaters are free to nap in Hitler’s ditch for all I care. I just thought you were really funny and wanted to add something. Then I did.

    But I hope to see you on Words with Friends sometime soon. Tho there’s a good chance I’ll probably use the word “boer” (a descendant of a Dutch colonist in South Africa) rather than the obvious “robe”, just so you’ll be VEXED.

    Look forward to reading your future posts –

    Bartley / Motocopter

  5. As the Good Book says, in Matthew 18,

    Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”

    I think we know the answer.

  6. I hate the cheaters too. I may not know the definition of every word i use on their but i don’t sit on google and try cheat.

    What’s your SN on there Eric? I’m always looking for more people to play.

    Also, have you tried QRank. that is crazy addictive.

  7. I’ve definitely been accused of cheating! I have a pretty decent vocabulary I just don’t really use it much. Because then you’re that person using words like “hyperbole” and “abscond” in every day conversation. And no one likes that person. Also I actually don’t always know the definition of the words I use. Sometimes I didn’t even know they were words. But I keep arranging things on the board for maximum pointage hoping they will actually be a word. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren’t.

    Pointage should be a word.

    I just did Rathe for 28 points. I have no idea what it means but it totally looked like it should be a word and I wanted to use one of my three Es.

    Your move board ruiner.

    1. I was accused of cheating earlier today by this nut and it was so annoying how she kept talking about Karma this and Christian that. I slowly explained, so as to not confuse her, that I am not an idiot and know how to piece letters together, hence the point of the game. I agree that sometimes, actually a lot of the times, I just try and see what works! Is that cheating?? They are just sore losers :)

  8. I feel your anger too

    I have just been served a pummeling by what I believe was a cheater, or the inventor of the dictionary, you decide.

    Here’s the final board http://twitpic.com/3opizz

    A few highlights include:
    Seven letters for his first two goes – Fiancee and overages.
    Zooey, Jarl (108pts), Foiling, Yerk and Hants and Qi twice! (41)

  9. Have just caught out a long term words rival (also a genuine friend) in using ‘online assistance’ to totally thrash me time after time. I don’t use all the scrabble solvers out there, naively assuming my friends don’t either. Idiot that I am. most of the time that is ok as I still win most of my games anyway and if my less wordy friends need a little assistance, then fine.. However could never get within 100 points of above friend. They are naturally good at it anyway, no idea why they need to cheat so they thrash everyone.
    Response to being caught out? ‘we all have access to the same resources, and I use it to expand my vocabulary and knowledge, you obviously don’t want to expand your knowledge.’
    Um. Right. The Words with Friends dictionary is certainly the place I’d go… u go Girlfriend! Harvard will be calling u up shortly to join their English department

  10. you’re an asshole. It’s just words with friends, what are you doing smashing your iphone in rage from a simple game of words?? You mad bro?

  11. I’m frustrated by cheaters because they give good players a bad name. Some people just can’t fathom that there are genuinely good players out there who have great vocabs, know how to utilize the game board and have played scrabble (and similar games) for years or even decades. A few are even internationally ranked scrabble players. So before you start berating someone for cheating, make sure you are certain and not falsely accusing anyone.

  12. “Teres” is believable to me. I don’t ever use cheat sites while playing, but I will experiment with different letter combos on the board that I “feel” might be an actual word & sometimes I hit on one that works.

  13. Words with Friends is not Scrabble. The dictionary checks every word before you are allowed to enter it. Scrabble itself has “cheating” built in – it’s called “getting away with a word without being challenged by your opponent”. When your opponent challenges you, one of you is penalized (you if it was incorrect, your opponent if it was correct). Presumably, Words with Friends decided to build in a dictionary checker for exactly this reason – not to allow incorrect words. Because of this, you can try 50 different combinations of a word until you find something that works. Scrabble has the ability of “bluff” built in. Words with Friends does not – what it has is the ability to only allow correct words. The people who wrote this program know that everyone is on the internet; they know that people will be able to look words up. So they made a choice – rather than allow incorrect words, they only allow correct words. This takes the vocabulary aspect of the game *almost* completely away, and just leaves the strategy.

    It is a different game, played in a different setting, with different constraints. Get over it.

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