iPhone MMS Penis Pictures Crash Servers

att-3g-iphone

(San Antonio, TX) – Mere hours after it was launched, the eagerly awaited MMS (multi-media messaging) feature for Apple’s hugely popular iPhone was disabled, as AT&T’s data servers proved incapable of coping with the massive influx of wiener pic traffic.

“Within the first few minutes, our network was flooded with nearly 3.4 million MMS messages and the early data shows that almost 98% of those were pictures of our male customers’ penises,” stated Ronald MacArthur, head of data traffic for the company.

In the weeks and days up until the feature was rolled out, AT&T had been working around the clock to make improvements to its network, in order to deal with the expected spike in customers using the service. Unfortunately, their efforts appear to have been woefully inadequate.

“I guess we just weren’t prepared for how many guys would want to send other people a picture of their ding dong,” lamented MacArthur.

An informal poll of passers-by on a crowded street downtown revealed that AT&T had vastly underestimated the appeal.

“Oh, hells yeah I’m gonna send out pictures of my dick! You can do that now??” remarked a well-dressed businessman.

“I have Verizon, but really the only thing that’s been preventing me from getting an iPhone is the fact that I can’t trick my buddies into seeing a picture of my wang by saying something like, ‘Oh hey, you gotta see what this chick is wearing!’ and then sending them a picture of my boner under the pretense that it’s some slut in a miniskirt or something like that. I’m definitely gonna get one now. Especially with them adding Microsoft Exchange support. Oh and the dick pictures too,” said another man in his early 30′s who declined to give us his name, lest he tip off his friends to his planned shenanigans.

“Are you kidding? I sent like twenty already!” Enthused another young man who was actually in the process of taking yet another picture of his genitals to send out from his iPhone as we interviewed him, apparently unaware that the service had been disabled.

Female iPhone users seemed less enthusiastic about the feature. IT professional, Melanie Browning, complained that she had already received several unwelcome pictures from her male friends and co-workers.

“It’s idiotic. At this point, I realize that it’s not going to be a picture of a cute puppie. I’m not that stupid. Hold on a second, my dad just sent me a picture of his new car–Oh god!” Ms. Browning then began sobbing uncontrollably.

On their website, AT&T would not provide a solid timeline for when the service would come back online, but had this to say: “AT&T regrets further delays in rolling out the MMS service to its iPhone customers. We promise that we are hard at work, shoring up our infrastructure in order to bring you the best possible experience for tricking your friends and women you are stalking into seeing your Johnson against their will.”

63 comments

    1. needed ^^^^ to fully understand this wasn’t the day that my nokia 6030 (no camera phone) started paying dividends. i didn’t wanna see anyone’s junk anyway. as far as i’m concerned, mine’s the only junk that matters anyway. but f*ck att. i think thats going to be the spinoff of this article.

  1. This needs to be a grassroots movement to show the lack of infrastructure in ATT networks. I’d be willing to bet if every iphone user was sending pics (not necessarily of their units) the network really would go down. If it was all cock shots it would be way funnier though. I can see the headlines now…”Penises > AT&T”, or maybe “Phone Co Pwned By Penis Photobombs”

  2. Did you know that the Madagascar Red Ringed Tree Sloth will, without warning, drop in front of unsuspecting humans and begin to vigorously clean its testicles with its tongue and various vegetation close by?

    I like turtles!

  3. Wow it is like christmas for people who lack phones with real features, that have existed for the past 5 years or more in Europe and the rest of the civilized world.

  4. Was AT&T entitled to check what their customers send? How the hell do they know that they were sending “ding dong’s pics”????

  5. They should implement penis optimised compression for MMS. At 98% penile rate they could just transmit “length”, “girth”, “pimplyness”, “colour” and discard the rest.

  6. well this sums up iphone users perfectly w bunch of morons that think its funny to take penis pictures. Where is the intelligence?

  7. I just told EVERYONE in my office that 3,3 million dicks killed AT&T’s network.
    They seemed pretty amused and had no doubt this happened. Especially my gay colleague perked up his ears;)

  8. I am eric filipkowski and these are fictional stories about a character named eric filipkowski. Fiction. That means “not true.”

    Q. What part about “not true” are your readers not getting?

    A. “not”

    Pretty impressive, all these comments – I suspect it was the magic tag “penis.” You should tag all your entries with that one.

  9. Just heard something interesting on Sunday. My nephew works for a server host, and he says the FBI can come in at any time and tap one of their clients’ servers, for mirroring at the FBI office. The client is not informed, nor is the server host permitted to inform them. No reason has to be provided for this. Thank you, Patriot Act!

  10. No, they can’t. If your nephew’s server host just rolls over and lets it happen willingly… then yes, it could happen. What they’re supposed to do is refuse to do so without a court order.

  11. I wish I had an iPhone just so I could join in here.

    I’m looking in to getting one at the moment but I’ve now heard that version 4 is being released soon and that iPhone don’t actually multi task. If you are on facebook for example you can;t send a text without closing facebook?

    A bit limited compared to a Nokia Smartphone?

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