Shit people should be saying.

I got so fed up with all these “shit people say” videos, I decided to make one myself!

Yay for hypocrisy!

My monkey suit lawyer.

I object!

I’ve had my lawyer, Dick Van Pac-Man, for 23 years. Ever since I sued McDonald’s at the age of 7, Dick Van Pac-Man has been by my side.

4 years ago, when he got horribly burned in a grease fire on over 80% of his body, I vowed to repay his loyalty. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting him to live through the night. But he did.

all through the emergency surgeries, the skin grafts, rehab and his eventual, miraculous return to work, I was there.

The problem is, he looks gross.

That sounds mean, but I’m just being brutally honest with you.

You know when you put a hotdog in the microwave for too long and it explodes?

So he went back to being a lawyer, but predictably, there wasn’t much work for an exploded microwave hot dog lawyer.

And that’s a shame, really. He’s a damn good lawyer. My $7.3 million settlement would attest to that.

I mean, I guess if you could be a lawyer strictly over the phone, he would be fine. You know what, that’s not actually true, because his voice got sort of messed up too.

So what do I do with this guy? He looks like a circus sideshow reject, he can’t get work, he poops in a bag tied around his leg because he’s got no sphincter, but I have a sense of loyalty to him that I just can’t shake.

And then it hits me. Against my  better advice,  we are eating lunch in a downtown Burger King, when a lady comes in with a kid in a stroller. The kid takes one look at ol’ Dick and loses his shit. The kid’s crying, the mom is horrified and it’s a replay of the exact same situation we’ve been in a hundred times. only this time, something clicks. The mom pulls a stuffed monkey out of her bag and puts it right in the kid’s face to distract him. She’s making noises, waving it around, anything to make the kid stop staring at my horribly disfigured lawyer.

And it works.

Dick goes back to his whopper, but I start thinking. Why isn’t this kid scared of the monkey?

A few days later, I show up at the law offices of Richard Van Pac-Man, Esq. with a big surprise.

A monkey suit!

“A monkey suit?” He asks, “You want me to wear a monkey suit?”

I tell him to hear me out. He’s gotta live his life. He’s got to go out in public. But when he does, he makes children cry. Not him, I tell him, his appearance. The monkey suit takes that away. Levels the playing field, as it were. People will no longer scream and cry.Sure, it’s a bit odd, but at least they’re not horrified. And it’s a conversation starter. How long has it been since you’ve been in an actual conversation with somebody other than me, I ask him.

eventually, I win him over. He agrees to try on the suit. For the 1st time since his accident, he enters the room and I don’t visibly recoil in horror. I laugh! I tell him he looks great.

He’s got all kinds of reservations about it. “People won’t take me seriously in a monkey suit, blah blah blah.”

but I’ve thought of everything. I present him with a monkey suit sized tuxedo, top hat and cane. For court, I tell him.

Now there’s no way I can really be sure of this, because even if he wasn’t wearing a full monkey suit and mask, the fire burned most of his lips and mouth completely off, but I think he actually cracked a smile. It’s hard not to.

I am happy to announce that Richard Van Pac-Man,esq. has returned to work, busier and more successful than ever.

Oh sure, there was some growing pains. Some difficult conversations with the judicial system. But one of his biggest cases since getting back was an enormous judgment in his favor for a landmark discrimination suit, that he took up against anybody who would seek to bar him from practicing law while wearing a monkey suit.

Thanks to him, if any lawyers get horribly disfigured and wish to practice law while wearing a monkey suit, their rights are protected in the state Constitution.

plus, the publicity generated by the lawsuit and resulting media coverage, resulted in a barrage of new clients, because honestly, who isn’t going to want a guy in a monkey suit as their lawyer?

Things are looking up for Mr. Van Pac-Man in the personal department as well, thanks to the growing popularity of an Internet subculture called “Plushies.”

And you would say I’ve done nothing good with my life, mom?

Dragon dictate – extra characters fix

I am writing this as a public service. I use DragonDictate to do all my typing. I am a writer, so it is important for me to be able to write. I have some nerve damage in my right hand, which makes typing hard. Dragon Dictate is a good solution for me. Unfortunately, it started to act weird on me. It would insert extra characters at the end of whatever I was typing. This drove me crazy. I could not find a solution anywhere on the Internet. But I found the solution, buried in the help files and I am going to share this with you, in case you are in the same boat as me. I’m not going into why this happens, but it’s something to do with when you use a keyboard or mouse in conjunction with the dictation software. Which I do and which you probably do. I found it nearly impossible to write anything, solely with the dictation software. Anyways, what you want to do is when you find the program is acting weird and generating extra characters, speak into the microphone the words “purge cache”. Then, just delete the extra characters and continued typing or dictating. It only works for a little while, so you will probably have to do it again. If you want the full explanation for why this happens, search “purge cache”in the help files. I hope this helps you, it has worked pretty well for me.

NPR 3-minute fiction contest

So, I entered this: http://www.npr.org/series/105660765/three-minute-fiction and I lost. You can go to that site and read what won, or you can stay here and read my losing entry!  The parameters were that it had to be less than 600 words and feature one character arriving somewhere and one person leaving the same place. Enjoy!

 

Take it or leave it, by Eric Filipkowski

“Excuse me, sir, could you hold the door for me?”

Chip looked behind him to see the elderly female letter carrier approaching, her arms overflowing with letters and packages.

“I’m sorry, do you live here? I don’t recognize you from the building.”

She stared at him for a long second.

“I’m the mail carrier. I work for the post office.”

“Or so you would have me believe. Who is to say that you didn’t just rent that costume to gain entry for nefarious purposes?”

“Is this a joke?” She asked.

“That’s what I would like to know.”

The awkward silence was interrupted by a new arrival. An attractive blonde girl in her early twenties approached the door.

“Now her, I recognize!”

He lifted his arm to allow her ingress. Once she was in, he ignored the protests of the postal worker and shut the door. He pretended not to hear her banging, while he addressed the blonde woman.

“So, I’ve never seen you around here before.”

“I just moved in. Don’t you think we should let the mail lady in?” She asked, as the banging was getting louder and more persistent.

“Nah, she’s fine. You’re just moving in? That’s interesting.”

“Why is that interesting?”

“Because I am actually in the process of moving out. It’s a shame, really. You’re just my type. I have a thing for attractive women.”

She rolled her eyes.

He looked her over. “Let me guess: you’re an actress. From somewhere out in the middle of nowhere, with dreams of stardom?”

“Close, Florida.” It was now her turn. “Let me try: you’ve been out here for 15 years, did some bit parts on TV, a few commercials, but you never hit it big and now you’ve grown tired of living in an apartment you pay too much for and your only joy in life comes from shitting on the dreams of the people who still have hope and love in their hearts. Sound about right?”

He was no longer smiling. “I would hardly say it was a few commercials. More like fifty. The other stuff was spot on.” The smirk started to come back.

“Can I give you some advice?” She asked.

“Isn’t this supposed to go the other way around?”

“I already know where to get head shots and never take my top off for an audition I see on Craigslist. I’m being genuine.”

“Okay, shoot.” He said.

“When you’re out in the real world, don’t be afraid to change it up. If this isn’t working for you, try something else. Try being a real person. If it’s been a while, you might be surprised when you see how people react to it.”

She smiled at him and turned to get on the elevator.

He stood there and thought for a second about what she had said. He opened the door for the mail woman and with an apologetic look, said, “I’m sorry about that, I really am. I don’t even live here. That blonde girl paid me fifty dollars to do that, but honestly, it wasn’t about the money. I was too scared to say no. She had this crazy look in her eyes!”

 

Miley Cyrus? More like LIEly Cyrus! Am I right?

As you can see, I recently got busted listening to the Miley Cyrus song, Party in the USA, so I am ready to admit that I purchased this song on iTunes.

It’s catchy. So sue me!

But when I really listened to the lyrics, I discovered something quite disturbing.

It promotes lying!

Shocking, I know. But it’s true.

In the first verse, she refers to “the Jay-Z song”as “[her ]song” and then in the second verse, she refers to “a Britney song” as her song again!

We’re expected to believe she has two songs?!?

I find it especially ironic, that in a song where she espouses the idea that she’s a regular, hometown gal, she’s all flossin’ and big ballin’ and all up in that with two songs that she claims are ‘her song’ when the rest of us, decent, hard-working Americans are lucky to have one! What could be more ‘ Hollywood’ than that?

Miley Cyrus, you are ridiculous and should be ashamed of yourself!

It’s one thing to be on video, smoking a bong, or dancing around in risque outfits while you perform lascivious dance moves. It’s another thing, all together, to be a liar!

you know what’s even worse? I think she made this song catchy and irresistible on purpose!

I think she was fully intending for this to be a hit song, sell millions of copies and be all over television and the radio!

Disgusting.

And that is why I’m calling on you, to join me in boycotting this dishonest young woman and her supposed “two songs that are her songs!”

Together, we can make a difference and send a message to people that this is not a positive role model for the children of the world.

You (don’t really) have 2000 friends.

Here is the Facebook issue, as I see it.

I guess I am out of the loop. I didn’t know they were even changing Facebook. And I certainly didn’t know that people were upset about it. I learned that they were upset about it when I read a friend’s post complaining about everybody complaining about it.

Obviously, people don’t like the live updates in the upper right-hand corner.

And now that they have brought that feature to my attention, I don’t like it either.

It’s annoying.

But why? And what to do about it?

Complain to everybody? Set up a Facebook page to register your complaints about it?

That may work, I don’t know.

I’m going to suggest a radical solution.

Drop your “friends.”

Not your friends. Your “friends.”

I think I have figured out what is so annoying about this new feature.

if you are like me, you have hundreds, if not thousands of Facebook friends that you don’t even know. You haven’t even spoken to them once. They are complete strangers.

Not even because you’re a Facebook friend whore. You probably just added them because you saw you had 50Friends in common with them. You’re not the Facebook friend whore, they are. You just made a simple mistake.

Anyway, in the past, they were in the background. You had your real friends and it was easy to keep up with them.

Now these people are constantly being shoved in your face. You don’t care about them. You don’t care what they are up to.

So why  are they still your friends?

Drop them.

If Facebook only had your real friends information and updates to barrage you with on a constant basis, you wouldn’t mind.

Dare I say, you might like it? It would be convenient not to have to seek out what people you actually care about were doing. The only problem with it is that they get lost in the  torrent of crap. is this what this thing was really made for?

If you’re not really the kind of person who needs the self gratification that comes with a popularity contest populated by strangers, then the solution is looking you in the face.

Drop ‘em.

Second chance tweets!

today, I am unveiling an exciting new feature here on my Hollywoodphony blog!

If you are keeping track, this is indeed my first new feature in some time.

This is where I will put the “tweets” from my twitter account, not-so coincidentally located at www.twitter.com/hollywoodphony,  that I feel are worthy of a second look.

Perhaps you, my loyal readers, simply forgot to check your twitter accounts that day. Or maybe you were just overwhelmed by the sheer number of tweets you  are bombarded with on a daily basis. I don’t know what it was. All I know is you let me down.

These are gold! Gold, I tells ya! I would put these in my standup act, but I don’t have a standup act. It’s frustrating to put out high quality stuff and have nobody take notice. And it’s going to stop! No, not really. Probably not, anyway.

So without further ado, may I present the first  in my series of Second Chance Tweets!

@hollywoodphony Eric Filipkowski

Pedophiles are probably pretty disappointed once they get to a baby shower.

Vanilla Ice is kind of a jerk!

 I know I promised to stay away from controversy, but I just feel something has to be said. Vanilla Ice is a mean person. I get that he is angry about people always making fun of him, but that is no excuse to be a turd burglar! If people are mean to you and you are mean to them in return, what does that accomplish? I know the Bible says, “Do unto others as you would have done to you” or something like that, but I think what that means is if you want people to be nice to you, you should be nice to them. I think what Vanilla Ice is thinking that means (being a good Christian, which I can only assume he is) is that if people are dicks to you, you should be a dick to them. Perhaps, Vanilla Ice is just confused on this point. That is probably it. Now I feel bad. I should take my own advice! Instead of going around, calling poor Vanilla Ice a jerk, I should pick a more constructive way to give him positive feedback. They should put something in the Bible about that! Boy, they really dropped the ball on that one! Shit. There I go again.

Finally, some sanity.

“Osama bin Laden, mastermind behind 9/11 and countless other acts of terror is dead. Truly, this is a day that all of America has been waiting for. But as usual, the LIBERAL MEDIA is rushing in to tarnish what should be a day of celebration, with their socialist propaganda agenda. Obama this, Obama that. All hail Obama! Not a word about George Bush? Really? The New York Times would have you think that 9/11 happened, then nothing for 10 years until our Savior, Barack Obama, swooped in to save the day. This, of course, is ridiculous! Once again, the Democrats have stood on the shoulders of giants, to reach grandma’s proverbial cookie jar full of condoms, on the top shelf. This triumphant day could not have come without all the hard work George W. Bush put in over the last decade convincing Osama bin Laden that we had given up looking for him, altogether. This guy is wily! He he could have hidden in those caves for another hundred years. All the bombs in the world wouldn’t have been able to snake him out and George Bush was the only one smart enough realize this. The true credit behind the killing of this truly evil genius belongs to one person alone. The person who was willing to send the resources of the entire U.S. Army to Iraq, a country that so obviously had no ties to Al Qaeda or any of the international terrorist community. The person who was willing to make a fool of himself, by holding a big ceremony on a aircraft carrier with a banner that famously read, mission accomplished!”, Just to convince this monster that we had forgotten about him. That person is George W. Bush and he is my hero and I am not going to forget the sacrifice he made in the name of national security.”

we have not forgotten.

 I hate to give this dipshit any more views, so if you know this video, there’s no need to click on it. But I just wanted to say that what this idiot doesn’t get and that none of the people who share his sentiment don’t get is that we have never forgotten. Frankly, it is a supremely insulting sentiment to think that we have. This abomination of a song rings false on so many levels, it is hard to decide which part of it is the most personally insulting of all.  If it was me, I would have to go with the fact that this guy is manufacturing a make-believe controversy to respond to,   in order to profit off of the tragedy of 9/11. But if you want to say it’s because he lumps in 50% of the country as not being “true Americans”, just because they disagree with a war that  had nothing to do with terrorism, until it was started, that’s fine too. And, what the hell, if you just  aren’t a fan of songs that tell you not to get preachy and then proceeded to do just that for the next 3 min., that is cool with me. I don’t know who the hell this guy is and I like it that way.  I feel guilty that I might have inadvertently raised awareness of this truly colossal  abomination of  a song. I just want to say that you are a bad person and I hope you have remorse for making this song. But I’m guessing you don’t, because it probably made you a rich man.

 if you must, click here to watch the video.